Breathe Deeply

Breathe deeply and appreciate the moment. Living in the moment could be the meaning of life.

~ Lululemon

It’s funny how life goes. How some days everything seems so clear and precise with meaning and other days seem a blur of confusion as to which direction to go. Right now I am living very much in the latter. I feel torn with the endless amounts of options begging me to choose them and yet when I dig deep down into my soul to figure out what it is that I truly want – I honestly do not know. And so I wait. Wait for something to happen to give me direction. Wait for something to show its face and say this is the true way. Wait for a sign. A signal to indicate that one choice is better than the other.

Ironically enough, I do not think that there is any one thing that can guide me in the correct direction. I think that this is one of the few times in life of which it is completely up to me to choose which way I want to go. Choose my destiny. Choose my fate. Choose something that will change the way my life is forever.

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe this is all just a feeling and that is it. Maybe this moment in time isn’t so much a pinnacle of life-altering events that I will forever look back on and remember it as being “the” moment as it is just a mesh of choices of which my brain is too muddled to pick one from the lot of others. Or maybe, just maybe – this is life as it is meant to be when I finally decide to sit back and simply enjoy the ride. To just be.

Today I finally had time to simply do things such as go through my photos. I haven’t done that since – well, I don’t remember the last time. There has always been something else that needs doing. Something that proves to be more important than taking the time to reflect on where I have been and what I have done. It is crazy how many small memories have been slotted away, nearly forgotten until a glimpse at an old photograph brings it all back into focus. And so I spent time today going through such photos. Photos of my journey across British Columbia. Photos of the east coast of the States. Photos of Australia and the many adventures had with my year spent there. And then photos of trekking Te Araroa Trail here in New Zealand. It seems crazy to see where the last couple of years have taken me and I get the sense that my brain is still trying to play catch-up with the warped speed my life has been like.

Finally everything is slowing down enough that my life consists of enough regularity for me to finally be able to say that nothing “new” is going on. And it feels fabulous. But I still fight this deep urge to try and figure out what my next step is. Where I want to go. What I want to do. Who I want to be. The desire to constantly have a plan in place for tomorrow is so strong that it’s difficult to imagine a life without that need.

I have been avoiding writing my blog for that very reason. I find it hard to write about my life when there is nothing going on. When there are no plans in place to describe. When there is no amazing, crazy adventures being had. How does one switch from walking the length of a country to just living a normal life and yet still make it sounds as exciting? The reality is that I suppose my life isn’t completely normal right now. Not everyone lives at a camp 2.5km from town surrounded by mountains. Not everyone lives in a cabin that used to house forestry workers way-back-when they were doing research on the local forest. Not everyone does a shower dance under lukewarm water every time they want to get clean and dries their hair by a hand dryer. Not everyone has the luxury of choosing between two channels on the television every night or relishes the feeling of the lounge FINALLY getting warm after 3hrs of blasting the timed heater. Not everyone gets the opportunity to make a fool of themselves in a local production of Robin Hood whilst being Robin Hood himself. Yup – I suppose my life is still something of an adventure, even in all its normality.

So, in that regard, all this babbling leads me to the point that I started getting to last time I wrote. Sometimes it’s more important to appreciate the moment life is at rather than wishing it away in a heap of plans for the future. So here I am – not knowing what I want to do next. Not knowing where I want to go or who I want to be. Not knowing what place I want to explore next. Not knowing when I’ll ever make my way back to Canada. I am here not knowing a lot of things, but I think I am okay with that. Because life here right now is pretty good.

Things have even started to quiet down around the camp as winter is starting to push its way through and it makes me excited. Excited because the pressure of people is coming to a close. It means more time to breathe. More time to be. More time to live in the moment as it is and not be wishing for something more. It means more time to reflect on things that once were – that have been – to enjoy where I am at and what I am doing now. To be proud of who I am at this very moment. Not wanting, not needing something that I do not have. To just be.