The Truth Will Set You Free

I think one of the most difficult things to do in life is to be honest with ourselves. It's easy to be honest with others, about things, in life - but with ourselves? All too often we tell ourselves things that aren't true. Small things. Big things. Things that change the way we see ourselves or even live our life.

In the past couple weeks I have been trying to do better on being honest  with myself, but it has meant a certain amount of pain. It has meant that things I have took at face value for so many years are suddenly not what I thought they were. It has meant that I have had to take a deep breath and seriously look at myself and decide if I really want to be the type of person I am - not who I thought I was.

This past week I had an incredibly humbling moment. I say humbling, but at the time it felt more humiliating than anything else. For the past few years I have made choices in my life that have resulted in a lifestyle that would just let me get by financially. Whether it was the job I chose, the apartment I wanted to rent, the groceries I spent my money on, the school I went do, the countries I travelled to - whatever it was, financially I have just gotten by. And in a lot of ways, that's okay - it's pretty great really.

Lately I have had to take a hard look at myself and realize that though money is something I don't much care for, all that I want to do in my life costs money - money I don't have. A while ago I had to be honest with myself and admit that I have a problem with credit cards -- it's not that they don't agree with me, it's that they agree too much. Over the past years I have managed to whittle away at my debt until I am officially now at a point that I no longer have credit cards (yay me).

But I am yet to be debt free. There's still money I owe for student loans and money I owe family. That's not where I had to be honest with myself this week. Having no job has thrown me face-to-face with the reality that I have never actually kept to any budget in my life. EVER. It seems ridiculous to me that that is a fact in my life now that I have admitted it to myself, but it's the truth. And having no job just made it that much more apparent. There was no safety net of knowing when my next paycheck would come in - no smokescreen to hide how I handled the money I did have. And the reality was that I hadn't a clue where my money went.

The past couple of months I have been religiously writing down everything I spend in a budget journal - right to the last penny. I've been that annoying person at the corner store asking the clerk to print me a receipt when there's a line of 10 people behind me. I've been the person that has an envelope of receipts and actually schedules time each week to go over my budget and every month I plan the next budget. It's been excruciatingly painful at times to walk away from purchases I normally wouldn't have taken a second thought at buying. It's been hard to focus my grocery budget on the cash I have in my hand rather than the fabulous meal I have been drooling about making for the past week. It's been difficult, but I've started to get the hang of it. But that's not what I had to be honest about with myself this week.

This week the moment came when a cheque from Canada didn't get processed like I thought it would this week. And I was stuck. This money was exactly the amount I needed to get me through to when I do actually get paid from my new job and now it wasn't coming. It could take up to a month for them to process it as it is an international cheque. I didn't have a month. I had barely a week to come up with the money needed for rent. And I had nothing.

And so I had to ask my family for temporary help - and though I know it was temporary until the cheque cleared, it was one of the most humbling and humiliating experiences of my life. It wasn't the asking that was difficult, it was the response I got. It was the realization that my financial and lifestyle choices over the years had left an imprint on my family's mind of the type of person I was. The type of person with financial problems. They type of person that might not be able to pay back the money borrowed. The type of person that had no safety net. It was the realization that my financial support was not just going to come from my mom, but also from my Grandma who is retired and my sister who is three years younger than I am.

THAT's when I had to get honest with myself this week. Yes, the money borrowed from my family was a temporary loan to help me while I wait for this cheque to clear, but the bigger picture is the reality that I knew from the depths of my soul that I never wanted to be thought of as "that person" ever again.

It would be easy to lie to myself and gloss over the situation I am in to say that I have a job and it's just a matter of being paid. It would be easy to say that my budget situation is getting better and that I shouldn't worry. It would be so easy to just brush off my current loan and say it's "only temporary," but the reality of it all is that this is just the last thing that has happened in a string of support from people in my life to help me "get by." And I no longer want to be that person. I never really realized I was that person - but I don't want any part of it. I no loner want to be just "getting by." I want to feel secure with where I am financially. I want to actually be reaching my financial goals and living my life based off of my priorities - not what happens to be on sale in the next store window.

Beads, Beads and More Beads

I have officially (and FINALLY) begun to turn the corner in my life. It has felt as though it's been forever where I have been floating through the fog that is called my existence as I wait for it all to clear so I can see what is up ahead. Well it's finally happened.

I got the call this past week that I have been offered a position with IDEA Services. Only the biggest organisation within New Zealand that's aim is to support people with intellectual disabilities and advocate for their rights - I am super excited to have the opportunity to work with them. I will be an Outcomes Facilitator  where I will work with clients on developing their Life Plans and helping them to achieve their goals. All I can do is eagerly wait my start date so I can jump in with both feet and get started.

In the meantime, I have been spending the past couple of weeks developing my art profile again. It has been WAY too long since I have seriously delved into my creative mind, but the time has come. I have dusted off my collection of jewellery supplies and gotten back to the basics of what it was that hooked my addiction to the creative arts way back when. It still stuns me to realize how much supplies I actually have to create jewellery and other works of beaded things.

As my hands have gotten busy creating things, I figured it was time to put some energy into updating my online profile and finally set things up so I can sell things worldwide online. So for those of you who haven't heard yet, I have updated my artsite (www.shalanehopkins.com) to include a blog where I will be regularly sharing my journey of artistic creativity and simple ideas on things to create in and around your home. I have also created a Facebook Page (Shalane Hopkins - Artist) That will include mostly a collection of my creative journey through photographs and provide a platform for people to interact with me and share my works with their friends. Then to sell things online, I have opened my Etsy store called Paper Kite Creations where you are able to purchase anything I have for sale online.

The name Paper Kite Creations is founded by a type of butterfly called Paper Kite. These butterflies are most commonly found in Southeast Asia and remind me a lot of my journey of my art. Butterflies are symbolic of change, growth and a person's soul. As my work has been a journey to get to where I am today and I am constantly looking for new ways to develop myself further and be creative in more ways that one, this symbolism fit.

All these pages are then linked to one another and include links to my Pinterest page and Twitter profile. I've definitely gone on a social media frenzy in the last few weeks, but I figure it's the best way for me to build up my art profile and help me gain momentum in selling my work.

So what I guess I'm saying is spread the word. Check out some of the links here - follow me. Get involved. Give me feedback or let me know what you like. Help me to move forward so I can get back on the bandwagon of a creative lifestyle.

Unemployed and Making the Most of It

Being unemployed does a funny thing to one's mindset on life. By all accounts I have been given a brilliant opportunity to start my life over and have a fresh beginning to whatever I want to become. But it's hard to think like that when the "fresh start" wasn't a planned one.

Wellington City

It's been over a month now since I've been employed and, sure, that's not terribly long in the world of unemployment, but it feels like an eternity since I had the sense of security a regular paycheck brings in. I have been in the position of not working before, but it has always been logically reasoned that I had more important things to focus on - childhood. School. Travelling. In-between there has been employment.

It has taken me this entire last month to come to a state of acceptance of my position in life right now. I have finally realized that this time is, in fact, a gift. A scary gift that I am not sure I ever really wanted, but it's there just the same. It's the gift of time for self-development. It's an opportunity to not just start a new life in a new city or with a new job (eventually), but it's a brilliant chance for me to re-build who it is that I want to be.

And that's just it - so often throughout my life I have contemplated the question of what my life would be like if I could be whoever it is I want to be. I've often wondered what my life would look like if I seriously took the time to look deep inside myself and clear out the cobwebs - find healing for past hurts and slowly build myself up to be whom I've always dreamed of being.

It's easy to travel the world and rebuild yourself to who you want to be, but the life of a traveller is entirely different to that of one living "real" life. Travelling is limited on responsibilities. Relationships are built quickly and intensely and then fade away just as fast into the sunset. The memories are great, but the longevity of that lifestyle is difficult to maintain unless one dreams of being a nomad for all of eternity.

With normal life - things are a bit difficult. There are bills to pay, societal expectations of what one should look like, consumerism pressure to purchase this and eat that, family gatherings, people and pets to care for, a community to belong to. With normal life one grows roots and that is difficult to change.

But what if one could change their roots? What if one could rebuild themselves from the ground up? I have finally clued in that this is a definite possibility for me - the only possibility really - and though it scares me incredibly with the uncertainty of my future, I am slightly excited about what this could mean.

Wellington Harbour

The past few weeks since I have moved to Wellington, things haven't been entirely peachy. I've been struggling with depressive thoughts, struggling with motivation to just get out of bed in the morning. Many days have been spent curled up under the covers as I watch re-runs of my favourite shows and movies. These days would be divided between days where I'd go to the library and spent hours sending out resumes to countless number of job opportunities. One by one the rejection letters are returned to me. By post. By email - it didn't matter, the answer was "We regret to inform you that you have not been selected for the next stage of our interview process." I began to wonder what was wrong with me. Maybe I needed to update my resume or cover letter. My multiple editions of each didn't make a difference in response and all I could do was start to surrender to the unknown universal power guiding my life.

The one interview I did have went really well - but it came with it's own set of drawbacks as I quickly realized that a good interview meant nothing. The process of interviews takes over a week or two for any employer and then there is the separate process of Police Checks and background checks which takes another couple of weeks. Even though my interview went well, there is no way of knowing if I got the job until nearly a month has past.

As I began to lose hope in everything, I started to reflect internally. If I couldn't control the external forces allowing me to earn a paycheck, I figured I might as well start to focus on what I could control. Me. I started  sifting through my various debilitating emotions and researching conditions comparable to what was going on in my life. I learned that I have a problem with emotional eating. I learned that I have a problem with impulse buying and bad money-management skills. I learned that when I am stressed and anxious, I chew the insides of my cheeks. I learned that though I have tried to live my life in the best possible way, there have been a horde of issues bubbling up inside that I have only dealt with by eating ridiculous amounts of food, spending money I don't have and chewing my cheeks. It all sounds a bit depressing really.

So with a bit of counselling and self-study, I started to pick away at the deeper issues in my life and learn how to heal from it all. It's been liberating and I finally got to this last week where I have been able to look up from the hole I feel I am in and start to see the light. I've started to see this no-job thing as a bit of a blessing and I intend to make the most of it.

Home sweet home

My biggest question is trying to figure out exactly what it is that I want out of life. And instead of dreaming about who it is I want to be, I am trying to go out there and be it. Because I want to be the person that smiles at people as I pass them on the street. Because I want to be the person that takes the time to volunteer for a cause I believe in. Because I want to be the person who donates blood on a regular basis. I want to be the person that remembers birthdays, anniversaries and other celebrations. I want to be the person who reaches out to my friends and family to connect with them on a regular basis. I want to be the person who is constantly learning and taking classes. I want to be in the best shape and health I can be. I want to be a positive change in this world no matter what I do or where I go.

And so here I am. Yesterday I found some tuition-free courses online I intend to take. Today I donated blood at the local clinic. Tomorrow I have an interview for a volunteer position.

The job will come.