Your Outlook on Life is a Direct Reflection

Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself.

~ Lululemon

This past week I had a light bulb moment. For whatever reason, no matter how often I have these moments, they always seem to take me by surprise. This occasion was no exception.

Lately I have been doing a lot of life reflection – mostly because I have been fighting this sickening feeling in my stomach. As though I am drowning and can’t breathe. As though I am fighting against something so much bigger than myself that it is hopeless to think I might win. And then it clicked. With all that was going on in my life, I suddenly realized what it was that was bothering me.

All too often in my relationships I put myself second. I don’t say this in a look-how-incredibly-unselfish-I-am. I say this because I finally realized that my choices to hide my real thoughts, my real desires, my real self behind a curtain have been slowly crippling me. With people I don’t know – this isn’t an issue as there is no risk involved with me being exactly who I am. There are no consequences to the situation as there is no worry for me to feel rejected. But with those I actually care about? Completely different story.

As it has happened – in three different relationships within my life, I all of a sudden realized that my big internal battle going on wasn’t because of them. It was because of me. There is a reason that most of what I do in my life is on my own – it’s because I feel strongest as an individual. I hate relying on others because they let you down. But in doing a little reflection, I have also realized just how much relying on others can be a beautiful thing. My own journey with Alex walking Te Araroa Trail comes to mind. She’ll probably hate me talking about this, but bless her – she has been one of the few friends to fight tooth and nail into my life and hasn’t left yet. She (as well as a few others in my life) has been there for me through thick and thin – the good and bad – and hasn’t run away yet. She has shown me that people can be there for each other and accept each other for exactly who they are.

In the last year, I have slowly forgotten that and instead have found myself to be in multiple situations where I am afraid. Afraid of being who I am because of what it means. Afraid of getting out there and taking some risks in the relationship world. Afraid of standing up for what I believe in and who I am about because that might set me apart from others.

I have decided that I will be afraid no more.

Sure – it has meant a few reality checks. It has meant a few shifts in my relationships. It has meant realizing that someone I care about quite deeply doesn’t care about me in the same way and probably never will. He has since moved on after I called him on it. I’m sad – but it will be okay. I am stronger for it.

It has meant that I have needed to take more risks in my relationships – voice my concerns and be honest about what I want. That has meant throwing myself out there to a loved one to get some answers sorted. It scares the hell out of me, but maybe it will finally help the two of us start to put the pieces back together again. I only hope that she will choose to accept me for who I am and move on from the past. It’s about time – it’s been nearly 3 years.

It also means that I need to make my career my own. I can’t be looking for someone to hold my hand through my work-related decisions. I need to stand up to my own ideas and claim them for myself. I need to be confident that I know what I am doing – even if I have never done such a thing before. And I need to be honest with myself about when the time has come and enough is enough. At the end of the day, it is only me that does the job I do and only I can make sure it is done to the best of my ability. If that means thinking outside the box and pushing some boundaries to help reach the company’s goal objectives – then I will do it because I can. I don’t know what I am capable of and I don’t know my limits as I have never reached for the stars with my career aspirations and it’s about time I start doing that.

Overall, it has been a big week of learning. About sticking to my guns – about living up to the expectations that I hold for myself. And sometimes it is difficult to accept that the expectations I have for myself are not the same that another person has for themselves, but that doesn’t mean I need to hide who I am because of it. Because I am who I am.

Don't Trust that an Old Age Pension Will be Sufficient

Don't trust that an old age pension will be sufficient.

~ Lululemon

I finally finishes it. Or at least the first draft. Since completing Te Araroa Trail, I have been working on writing a book about mine and Alex's adventure. And now it is done. It seems surreal to think that nearly a year ago we were rounding the corner to finish walking the length of New Zealand and even more surreal to think that I am actually finishing what I set out to do - write about it. 

I don't know what will become of the book - if anyone will care to read it or even publish it. It doesn't matter because I did it for myself. I did it so that at the end of the day I will have a solid record of what we went through - a story. Our story. My story. I am 100% confident that if Alex were to write a book her perspective on things would have been entirely different from mine - maybe even to the point of seeming as though it was two entirely different adventures all together. But it doesn't matter. This book will simply be my account of what went on in my head as we traveled the length of New Zealand on foot. 

Maybe there will be a day to which I will no longer talk about the trail. Maybe there will be a day to which I will find some greater adventure to embark on. Maybe there will be a lot of things that distract me from what I have done until one day I am reminded again. I hope there will. 

Lucy "helping" me write.

But until that happens - it is just me and this book. Writing it word for word. Reliving each and every moment of our blood, sweat and tears. Each of those 171 days accounted for. From start to beginning I have been writing and now that the hard part is over, it is now just a matter of making it all sound good. Should be fun. 

At least it is keeping my busy from other things on my mind. Up until a week ago I have been training for a marathon that I wanted to run beginning of May. I have never really believed in myself that I could do it - but I figured I would give it my best shot. Or at least up until a week ago that was the case. 

But then life set in and I had a bit of a reality check. The costs of doing the trip up to Auckland for the weekend in order to run the race was going to cost me so much more than just simply the entrance fee. It would be a good chunk of change - a wad of cash I just wasn't sure I could afford to give up. This past year has been a huge learning experience for me - a lesson on what is more important in life. A lesson on where my priorities are. A lesson on my finances. 

In the past year I have made it my focus to become debt free. All while travelling I have been making due with payments as I could - but not seriously sitting down to push myself to achieve goals of paying it off. It is a ball and chain I have carried with me since going to school. Since moving out on my own. Since getting my first, second and third credit cards. I do not regret the choices I have made in the past to get me to where I am, but I know without a doubt that I no longer want to put myself in this position again. It's suffocating. 

And so this past year has been filled with many choices that have left me with the reality check that if I want to be debt free - if I REALLY want to sort things out... I need to get serious and actually stick to my budget of paying it off. That might mean I have to wear my K-Mart shoes for another month. That might mean that all my furniture in the house is secondhand from donations. That might mean I can't go out to dinner with friends twice a month. It might mean saying no to a lot of things I wish I could do - but it also means I am learning how to be stronger with myself. Learning how to take control of my life and make it possible for me to one day be free.

But it also means that I have had to pull out of doing the marathon. It was a tough decision as the marathon was something I had been looking forward to - a goal for me to go out and achieve. The reality though was that it would have meant that I would have to spend money that I technically do not have to do it - money that was meant to go towards becoming debt free. 

Dropping out of the marathon does not mean I am a quitter. It does not mean I will stop running or that I will give up on my goal of doing a marathon - that marathon. It just means I have put it on hold as there are more important things I can be doing with my time and money right now. It just means that next year when I have paid my last payment that maybe the marathon race will mean so much more than simply a physical test of my endurance. Maybe it will be a celebration of what I have achieved in my life - maybe it will signify my freedom from all that has bound me for the last few years. 

And so - as I look ahead with my life, I am finally beginning to realize what it means to live life to the full. It's not always about jumping into random situations just for the experience and adventure that one gets out of it. Sometimes it's about making those tough decisions that will ultimately make you a better person in the long run. My focus in life is so much more than simply writing a book of my adventures or doing a marathon race as though I have something to prove. It's about the long term goal of becoming who I want to become - about reaching my full potential. My focus in life has become the bigger picture. 

With that in mind, maybe that means that I will have to ration my budget for a little longer and get stuck in with editing a book rather than spending money on new clothes - but that is okay. One more year to go. One more year to press on with and then the sky will be the limit.