Your Outlook on Life is a Direct Reflection

Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself.

~ Lululemon

This past week I had a light bulb moment. For whatever reason, no matter how often I have these moments, they always seem to take me by surprise. This occasion was no exception.

Lately I have been doing a lot of life reflection – mostly because I have been fighting this sickening feeling in my stomach. As though I am drowning and can’t breathe. As though I am fighting against something so much bigger than myself that it is hopeless to think I might win. And then it clicked. With all that was going on in my life, I suddenly realized what it was that was bothering me.

All too often in my relationships I put myself second. I don’t say this in a look-how-incredibly-unselfish-I-am. I say this because I finally realized that my choices to hide my real thoughts, my real desires, my real self behind a curtain have been slowly crippling me. With people I don’t know – this isn’t an issue as there is no risk involved with me being exactly who I am. There are no consequences to the situation as there is no worry for me to feel rejected. But with those I actually care about? Completely different story.

As it has happened – in three different relationships within my life, I all of a sudden realized that my big internal battle going on wasn’t because of them. It was because of me. There is a reason that most of what I do in my life is on my own – it’s because I feel strongest as an individual. I hate relying on others because they let you down. But in doing a little reflection, I have also realized just how much relying on others can be a beautiful thing. My own journey with Alex walking Te Araroa Trail comes to mind. She’ll probably hate me talking about this, but bless her – she has been one of the few friends to fight tooth and nail into my life and hasn’t left yet. She (as well as a few others in my life) has been there for me through thick and thin – the good and bad – and hasn’t run away yet. She has shown me that people can be there for each other and accept each other for exactly who they are.

In the last year, I have slowly forgotten that and instead have found myself to be in multiple situations where I am afraid. Afraid of being who I am because of what it means. Afraid of getting out there and taking some risks in the relationship world. Afraid of standing up for what I believe in and who I am about because that might set me apart from others.

I have decided that I will be afraid no more.

Sure – it has meant a few reality checks. It has meant a few shifts in my relationships. It has meant realizing that someone I care about quite deeply doesn’t care about me in the same way and probably never will. He has since moved on after I called him on it. I’m sad – but it will be okay. I am stronger for it.

It has meant that I have needed to take more risks in my relationships – voice my concerns and be honest about what I want. That has meant throwing myself out there to a loved one to get some answers sorted. It scares the hell out of me, but maybe it will finally help the two of us start to put the pieces back together again. I only hope that she will choose to accept me for who I am and move on from the past. It’s about time – it’s been nearly 3 years.

It also means that I need to make my career my own. I can’t be looking for someone to hold my hand through my work-related decisions. I need to stand up to my own ideas and claim them for myself. I need to be confident that I know what I am doing – even if I have never done such a thing before. And I need to be honest with myself about when the time has come and enough is enough. At the end of the day, it is only me that does the job I do and only I can make sure it is done to the best of my ability. If that means thinking outside the box and pushing some boundaries to help reach the company’s goal objectives – then I will do it because I can. I don’t know what I am capable of and I don’t know my limits as I have never reached for the stars with my career aspirations and it’s about time I start doing that.

Overall, it has been a big week of learning. About sticking to my guns – about living up to the expectations that I hold for myself. And sometimes it is difficult to accept that the expectations I have for myself are not the same that another person has for themselves, but that doesn’t mean I need to hide who I am because of it. Because I am who I am.