Take Various Vitamins

Take various vitamins. You never know what small mineral can eliminate the bottleneck to everlasting health.

~ Lululemon

There is something that is so sweet and pure about being able to shut out the world and seek comfort within one's one bubble of existence. Only thing is - I have forgotten how hard it is to do such a task when within a city of over a million people. So many sounds. So many smells. So many people - everywhere I go. Everything feels crowded and closing in. Covered in cement, this concrete city overwhelms me at every point I turn. And there is no escape - no quick getaway. 

Danielle and I in a photobooth

I did get away a few days ago - to head to Invermere with my Dad. It was absolutely brilliant to be amongst the mountains again - breathe the fresh air. But even Invermere was busy for a Sunday night. People had flocked there from Fairmont after the recent mudslide incident. Golfers checking into the hotel with dried mud on their pant legs. Everyone buzzy with excitement over their experience and near-miss in the nearby mountain village. Perfect.

It was perfect when we got to the base of Jumbo Pass for our hike the next day. Not a soul to be seen except for each other. This pass was something I had envisioned taking my dad on since I walked across BC three years ago and sat atop of the world overlooking the wilderness all around. And now it was time. Coming full circle, I was able to show my dad a bit of what it was that I did those years ago when I solo-hiked my way to Vancouver. Up the steep switchbacks. Over rocks and under fallen trees - we inched our way up the mountainside. I even managed to find a tree I had previously tied a piece of surveyor's tape to to help others find the trail as I had found myself in knee-deep snow with no sign of any other life at that point. This year it was dry, but the piece of tape still wriggled in the breeze. 

By the time we walked our way over stretches of snow that threatened to engulf us in order to reach Jumbo Hut at the top of the pass, things were looking pretty great. With a 360 degree view of all the glacier-covered mountains around, I immediately felt at home. There is something to be said about the mountains. The rich ruggedness that touches my soul in the deepest places and makes everything seem okay. But before I knew it, I had eaten my lunch and it was time for us to head back down. Down to civilization again. Down to "reality," as most would say. 

Dad & I at the top of Jumbo Pass

I had a great time climbing that pass and it only served to remind of all that Calgary is not. Yes - it is a great city. Yes - it does have a lot of parks to enjoy and things to do. And yes - it is relatively close to the mountains. But when I need to escape from it all, I find there is no where to really and truly breathe. It is concrete and people all around. I smell the car fumes. The fast food. The intensity of it all. 

For the second time since arriving in Calgary, I was able to scrounge a few hours of peace and quiet to myself and I found myself to completely enjoy every second of it. I shut the doors, turned off the phone and spent a few hours doing only what I wanted to do. Because I wanted to do it. 

And yet, I still felt trapped. Wanting to break free. Wanting to get away from it all. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. This life is not for me and I have to continue to remind myself that it is no longer my life - my life has moved on and Calgary is just simply a temporary stopover. A stopover of visits into my past of who I used to be compared to who I am now. 

I have changed since being away - but not really. At the heart of who I am, I think I am still me. I have spent many years feeling as though I haven't quite fit in - that I haven't found my place in the world yet. It hasn't been until coming back to Calgary that I truly realized that this is no longer true. I have found a place I fit - it is just unfortunate that the place I have found is so far away from those I have loved for so much of my life. And yet I am still the happiest and most content that I have ever been. And that trumps all. Even vitamins.

Grandma & I enjoying our home cooked dinner

After being away for so many years, I have noticed a drastic harshness to North American culture that I always knew was there, but never really fully understood it until now. There is this constant need to feed off the greed integrated in society that even captures those who struggle to break free. Everywhere I go there are messages being thrown at me to tell me to buy things, try things, sell things, have things, trade things and everything in between. There are only about a million different ways to get healthy and yet few of them actually understand what health means. If one eats a balanced diet - vitamins are very rarely actually needed. Those that stock up on massive quantities of vitamins in order to "get healthy" are simply spending an exorbitant amount of money on their pee. 

I went to the Calgary Stampede a while back only to run across a man selling machines one stands on and straps a thick rubber band around their waist and then turns the machine on in order to have it vibrate around their body. This is meant to make one "get into shape." Apparently there is a market for it as there was a huge number of people lined up to try it out - I'm just not sure what happened to walking the dog. 

No one has time any more. Everyone is in a rush - even my vacation has become something of a stressful schedule as everyone has been vying for a spot within my schedule - something of which I have been keeping to with military precision. I have received a few terse messages from certain people who haven't been able to get a hold of me immediately on my temporary cell phone on the occasions that I have turned it off for a bit of peace and quiet or happen to be busy doing something else. Meeting someone else. 

It's all go, go, go with no break or relief from the intensity that city life brings. Even a casual drive around the city has brought upon exasperated comments from those driving with me towards the people in front of us, behind us or even beside us that aren't manoeuvring their vehicles up to the driver's standard. I have been constantly bombarded with the frustrated voices of those appalled at the new distracted driver's law. People here are no longer allowed to use their cell phone while driving - apparently some people find this to be annoying. I'd rather not die at the hand of someone texting while driving. 

City life is different and yet so much the same as what I remember. And it leaves me wanting to get away. There is so much that I have done while being here - so much I will do prior to leaving on my plane back to New Zealand - that I am grateful I had the opportunity to come. I have had a brilliant time catching up with so many people I have only been able to Skype for the past few years. But I also know that soon I will be back to my little place in the world and that thought sounds pretty good to me. 

Jealousy Works the Opposite Way

Jealousy works the opposite way you want it to.

~ Lululemon

Though I have been in Canada for 2 weeks now, it still feels as though I am Alice in Wonderland. Whether I have just jumped down the rabbit hole or have climbed my way up to the "real world," I haven't a clue. Part of me feels as though I am a foreigner of my own country where as another part feels as though I have never left. Maybe the last 3 years have all just been a dream and I have only now just woken up. Woken up to this concrete city of madness.

Calgary Stampede Parade 2012

Gone are the days when I roll out of bed and feed the cat and then run with the dog. Now it is just me. Gone are the days when I look out the window to see mountains on my back doorstep. Now I look out to face the  neighbouring houses with their rubbish bins lining the back fence. Gone are the days of making all my meals and freezing leftovers. Now I find I am constantly eating out at various chain restaurants - filling my time catching up with those I have only seen in Facebook photos for the past few years.

Don't get me wrong - it's been great to catch up with people, even if half the time I feel as though I am something of a show-&-tell item for others to gawk at and pass around like a novelty toy. Yes, I have been gone for 3 years. Yes, I have a bit of a strange accent now. Yes, I love NZ and will be going back there. And yes, it's absolutely positively fantastic to get to see everyone again. 

Me with the Grandparents in Innisfail

Much has thrown me off about living in Calgary again. Most of it is vaguely familiar, but a lot has been thrown at me, causing a significant amount of culture shock. Here everything is open early morning and late into the night. No more do I have to rush to the store prior to 6pm in order to get what I need for the next day. Here I can get whatever I want when I want - and then some. No more do I have to settle for the next best thing. Here I am constantly bombarded with people. People all around. It's become a game to see if I can get someone to smile at me - bonus points if they actually respond to my "hellos." Everyone is busy - busy coming. Busy going. Busy doing something so incredibly important that there is no time to just be and enjoy. The cars move fast. People honk angrily at each other. The madness of city life surrounds me and every so often I have to take a step back, close my eyes and just breathe. 

My schedule has filled up to the point where it's difficult to find time for myself. To go from living in my own house in the middle of a forest - part of a town with a population of 1000 to a house with my dad in a city of a million. Things have felt a little crazy to say the least. 

Rocky Mountains

Even still, I have been able to get a lot sorted. My book, One Step at a Time, has gone through all the final publication steps and should be showing up at my door any day. I have been stockpiling on mascara as though it's going out of style and I even managed to get an incredible deal on some climbing gear. There has been trips out to the mountains, excursions exploring the downtown shops and even the adventure of watching the Calgary Stampede Parade. Through a massive amount of meals out on the town, my time here in Calgary is finally starting to shape into a brilliant holiday. Between tennis, the Rocky Mountains, Calgary Stampede Rodeo, Ziplining, Bobsledding, Climbing, Crafting and lazing out in the summer sun - there isn't much I won't have done by the time this trip is over. 

2 weeks of craziness done. 2 weeks to go. The adventure is only half done. 

What We Do to the Earth

What we do to the earth we do to ourselves.

~ Lululemon

I've made it. Over 24hrs of travelling and I have officially reached the homeland. My homeland. It's a little strange to be here after being away for 3 years - yup, that's right. 3 entire years I have been gone. It's a little crazy and I have no explanation other than time seems to fly when having fun. 

Enjoying the view

To say coming back to Canada was a little intimidating is the understatement of the year. I was entirely petrified. No one except my sister knew I was coming for the simply fact that the thought of showing up at the airport after 24hrs of travelling and 3 years of being absent, the 20-some people eagerly waiting to greet me freaked me out. Talk about pressure. 

And so I planned it as a surprise. Didn't take much effort other than to book my flights and inform my sister of the date of my arrival. And then hope she'd even show up. 3 years changes things - it certainly changed me and I could only assume that everything had changed back in Canada as well. Even still, I knew it was time to go back and see everyone again - I was as ready as I would ever be.

Saying goodbye to everyone in Hanmer Springs was difficult. It felt as though I was saying goodbye to home and my family all over again. Having been there over a year, Hanmer Springs has become home. And yet I did the deed and left. Driving away in my rental car, all I could think was that it would be my last day driving on the left side of the road for a while and that kind of freaked me out a bit. I only hoped that things would be okay upon my arrival.

In Christchurch I found a place to stay and tried to fall asleep at 5pm. Naturally, this didn't happen and so I tossed and turned until nearly midnight before my mind finally shut off and I got a few hours sleep prior to being woken up by my alarm at 3am. It was time to go. Checking in at the airport and going through security was pretty standard - right down to my being chosen (as usual) for the "random" bomb check. I seriously need to figure out what it is about me that makes me look like an explosives carrier. 

Banff, Alberta

7am we left Christchurch on route to Sydney. After a quick breakkie and one showing of 21 Jump Street, we were there. Off the plane I went to go check-in for the next plane, sit and wait for boarding and then board. And again we went - only this time leaving 30 min later than we were meant to. I figured we'd catch up time in the air. Apparently not. During our 14hr flight to Vancouver, the captain didn't find time to speed up a little. Instead, he slowed down so that our arrival time was a full hour later than we were meant to arrive. Perfect. I had a mere 40 min to disembark, grab my luggage, go through customs, re-check in and board the next plane to Calgary. 

As that was an impossible feat in itself, I got put on standby for the next plane. Fortunately I got on - only my bag didn't which resulted in the first meeting with my sister in Calgary being one of total awkwardness as we waited for my bag to arrive at the baggage claim for what seemed to be an eternity before we concluded that it hadn't been on the same flight as me. Fortunately the airport would courier it to me later.

What followed my arrival to Calgary was none other than a series of surprise visits to family who had no idea I was in town. After a lengthy lunch date with my sister, we went to my mom's work to set up a coffee date between her and my sister. Only my mom didn't know I would be there too. When she showed up, it was like the world stopped spinning and nothing moved. And so it went.

Tears, smiles, exclamation of excitement - one by one I surprised all my loved ones. It was incredibly exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time. My dad was probably the best surprise as he and I had been planned a Skype date for that week and so he was busy eating dinner so he could be in front of the computer for our arranged time. The glitch came when my sister called to say she was in the area and asked if she could drop by. My dad greeted her at the door and proceeded to make small talk, all the while informing her that she may have to go as he had a Skype date with me. He was completely unaware that my sister had dropped me off down the street to walk up to his door and ring the doorbell. His automatic response to the ringing door was to demand what "they" could possibly want. He opened the door and was completely stunned to find me standing there. It was perfect.

As these emotional days have passed, I find myself settling into life back in Canada to a point where it almost makes me wonder if my life in New Zealand was even real. Things have changed. I have changed. Everyone has changed - and yet it still all the same as I left it 3 years ago. It's strange but oddly comforting just the same. 

Banff Springs Hotel

What has stunned me the most is probably the amount of stuff I had left behind so long ago. I had previously sold what I thought to be nearly all my possessions as I didn't know when I would return to Canada. However, upon returning, I have discovered that my previous notion of "all" my possessions really wasn't accurate. I began opening up boxes to find I have enough clothes for an army. I do believe I had a shopping problem. Fortunately for me, this means I no longer have to buy clothes for the next few years. I can finally say goodbye to my one pair of jeans I have been hanging onto in New Zealand and mending every they rip. 

Overall it's been a bit of a whirlwind to say the least, but it's good to be back. It's good to finally see familiar faces in person - not just on Skype. It's good to finally be in the same time zone as everyone else. It's good to be able to pick up the phone and call someone for a coffee date and know that it could actually happen. It's good to no longer be saying "I can't wait to come back" - I am back. For now. 

Drink FRESH Water

Drink FRESH water and as much water as you can.

~ Lululemon

Today the power went out. Again. For the second time in the past month, we had to stop everything we were doing and try to find a way to keep the camp running. Without power.

The last time this happened, it had just snowed. For 3 full days we battled the ups and downs of not having a regular supply of electricity - today we contemplated if our fate would be the same. Computers down and lights off, our staff at the camp set upon ensuring the generators were on and that all customers were aware of what was going on - not that we could particularly give them any answers. Being isolated at the end of Jollies Pass Road tends to do that to us. 

It was all because of a massively windy day that allowed us to be in the predicament. The wind gusts howled so much that it was difficult to even be able to move forward at points. The dark clouds rolled in and the rain started pelting - it was during this that the lights flickered for half a second before everything shut down, leaving me in darkness.

Today had been one of those days to which my list of things to accomplish by the end of shift never seemed to get any shorter. Anytime I sat down to complete a task, there was something more immediately important to deal with instead. Constantly distracted, I was relieved to find a few silent minutes in the office to myself to get things done. And then the power went off. 

As frustrating as it was to be yet again torn away from all that I wanted to do, the power being off only served to remind me of what is important in life. Not having electricity immediately forced everyone to check to see if everyone else was okay and if they weren't - what they needed to get comfortable. Blankets were handed out. Gas bottles for the BBQs given to ensure everyone got a decent evening meal. The Big Kitchen was opened so that customers could at least enjoy the warmth around a wood fire. 

Though the electricity being out somewhat complicated things - it also simplified things. Us staff and camp volunteers found ourselves congregating within Graeme & Sandy's house for a hot cup of tea as they had a gas stove. We quickly forgot about the wind and rain in exchange for a special moment of bonding. All of us - all 14 of us - sitting around in a living room enjoying each other's company. Laughing. Sharing stories. We contemplated plans for dinner - what would be a fabulous meal of eggs, bread, sausage and baked beans (apparently we were all low on groceries at the same time). We made plans for the evening - a possible game of Risk by headlamps was in the running. Things were good. 

The irony was that after an hour or so of no power, it came back on. We cheered and then immediately went back to whatever we were doing before the power went out. Back to work. Back to computers. Back to the music being played out of the iPod. Back to original dinners plans in each of our houses. Back to rugby on the TV. Back to reality. 

It got me thinking - why is it that we avoid what we know is good and important to value until we have to? Those that start eating healthy in order to lose weight begin to realize how great it feels to be making good food choices only to turn back to old habits once their target weight is reached. Those that go on a holiday realize how awesome it is to take the time to spend with loved ones only to avoid them at all costs when back in "normal" life. People exercise like mad all the while chugging back water because they know the benefits of water on their body only to finish their run and go our for a night of binge drinking. 

We are not so bad at the camp here. Generally speaking, the electricity is on and yet we still find time to sit around a table and share a meal. Get to know one another. We take the time to help each other out. We ignore the TV for an evening to play a board game instead. But why is it that it generally takes something like the electricity turning off for us to remember what is important in life? Maybe mother nature is giving us a little nudge to remind us to slow things down just a notch. Get back to the basics. Get back to what matters and forget the rest. Drink FRESH water and drink as much water as you can. Period.

Choose a Positive Thought

The conscious brain can only hold one thought at a time. Choose a positive thought.

~ Lululemon

Jess killed a possum yesterday. It was her second one. I'm not sure if I should be happy for her or not - she is in no way a hunting dog. The event of her killing an animal is more one of complete and utter accident as she generally can't even get within sniffing distance of a possum due to her lack of skills in the stealth attack department. Regardless, yesterday she managed to kill a possum.

We had been on route to town to pick up some groceries and hadn't gotten more than 50m from my home when she veered off into the deep snow towards the bush. I knew she was onto something as she refused to listen to me calling her back to where I was and so I stood on the side of the road and waiting. Within a minute or two I could hear a horrific scream coming from the possum as Jess got it in her mouth and started flinging it around. Jess doesn't quite clue into the fact that one must tear apart the animal you are trying to kill. She has only grasped the concept that one must get it in their mouth. As such, the death of the possum was a monumentally slow event to which I eventually got sick of standing on the side of the road listening to the possum's screams and lugged my way into the bush to drag Jess away.

It was just another day.

Kellie, Linda, me, Prajot & Graeme - first thing in the morning

I was glad of this fact as I walked my way into town. This past week has been nothing short of one big adventure to which none of us have known how it was going to end. It all started on Tuesday when the team at the camp put together our our first Bingo Bananza fundraiser - we didn't know what to expect and were pleasantly surprised to have more than just our staff show up to the event. After a night of playing Bingo and having a bit of fun, we were all stoked to have raised just over $130 - with any luck, our future Bingo nights during the winter will be even more successful. Our goal is to raise enough money to get a projector and projector screen for the Recreation Hall.

Anyway - that wasn't particularly where the adventure starts - it was that night. All throughout the day we had been hearing reports that there was going to be a massive dump of snow in Hanmer Springs - all the weather people were rather excited about it. But when we finished up Bingo Bananza that night and went outside, all there was was rain. None of us were really too sure that we'd actually see snow by morning - if anything we figured it'd just be another thick frost.

When I rolled out of bed the next morning, I had completely forgotten about the weather reports so when I went to let Jess outside for her morning pee and get some firewood to start the fire, I about fell over at the sight I saw. Everything was covered in over a foot of snow and it was still snowing. The air was as quiet as ever. It was a proper winter wonderland.

Before I could get back inside to start the fire, I could hear some rustling in the trees. I looked up to find that Linda & Prajot were on the other side of the fence with big grins on their faces. We decided to go out for a proper walk even though it was just after 6 AM. And so we went, bundled up and wearing gumboots - we took Jess out for a walk. By the time we got back, it was nearly 7 AM and so we knew everyone else would be awake. Within no time at all, we were all outside throwing snowballs, laughing and jumping around as the sun peaked its head up over the horizon. It was perfect.

Things started to get interesting after I got back to my place for a shower and to get ready for work. The lights started to flicker and before I could get my hair dried, the power went out. It was going to be a proper snow day.

My house hidden behind the snow

For the next three days, the camp became a hideout of snowy magic. All the staff, volunteers and the one group of customers made the Big Kitchen our home base as we cranked up the fire, brought in clothes horses to dry everything and spent our time exploring the snow-covered wilderness and getting warmed up inside. The board games, crafts, Bingo and drawings came out as we whittled away at the hours. Meals became a group event as we cooked on the fireplace, drank tea/coffee and laughed the days away. Snowmen were made, snowballs thrown and many tracks were carved out with our shovels. By the end of the third day we managed to get our power back for good and sort out the phone as well (mobile services and land lines were down as well). As the camp is located at the end of the road, we couldn't have felt more isolated. It was another world.

Everyone pitching in to clear the snow

Stocking up for food was an event in itself as a handful of people would get geared up with packs and got tramping into town - the snow was up to our knees in parts. We couldn't clear the driveway and so stocking up for wood was done by pulling a tarp by rope with the pile of wood stacked on it.  We avoided walking under the trees as the branches continued to break and fall off under the weight of the snow. Life slowed down to a halt and we learned to enjoy each others company and live in the moment. We cheered when the electricity would come on and became innovative in figuring out how to dry hair in the morning (by the fire works fine). Frozen food was stored in the snow as the electricity was off and we discussed our preferences in clothing types to wear in the cold. Gumboots were worn at all times with plastic bags over our feet to prevent snow getting them wet.

By the end of Friday, everything was slowly coming back to normal again as we managed to get everything sorted enough for customers to be able to get into the camp for the weekend. Surprisingly, they came despite our warnings of sketchy power, limited hot water and incredibly icy roads. Aside from our photographic evidence of the main event, it seems as though it never happened.

And now that life is returning to normal again, I can focus on other things - such as my book. I have gotten my proof back of my book cover and I'm ecstatic at the end result. It has only signified the reality that my book will soon be published and I am stoked to almost be done it. With any luck, by the end of the month, it will be available for purchase in eBook format and print. So excited!!

Do Not Use Cleaning Chemicals

Do not use cleaning chemicals on your kitchen counters. Someone will inevitably make a sandwich on your counter.

 ~ Lululemon

I find it fascinating to see how the world around us is changing. Changing to become more green. To become more conscious of the decision we make on a daily basis and how they affect both the people around us and the world we live in. At the camp we have switched to a chemical-free cleaning system. When you get to the bottom of the scientific reasoning, the bottom line simply states that it makes sense. Why wouldn't you want to cut out chemicals? Think of all the warning labels on those multiple bottles stored under your kitchen sink. Those that say you can only dispose of the remains in a certain way. Those that say you must wear protective clothing to avoid touching that said chemical. Those that say not to swallow or don't get in your eyes. Those that say you must call a certain number should anything go wrong. 

And so chemical-free we have gone. The camp switched to Enjo cleaning products nearly 6 months ago and it has made a world of a difference. No longer are we spending heaps of money on chemicals, but the place is actually cleaner for it (think of all those times you have to "clean up" what you just cleaned simply because the chemical residue is still present on the surface) - the comments are coming in of how fabulous the place looks and we are even getting questions as to what we use. Funny that we're simply a forestry camp that deals with schools year round and yet we have some sort of impressive cleaning system.

That impressive cleaning system is just what I had to use today. As we have hit a natural transition faze in our volunteer model, today we had no volunteers to do the normal tasks to help the camp run properly. As per my job description, the tasks then fell upon my shoulders to complete. So today I had the brilliant job of cleaning toilets. It wasn't so bad - at least I didn't have to wear gloves due to the chemicals being used and it didn't. That and it's not like I've been doing it day-in, day-out to be bored of it. Even still, it brought back memories of when I first arrived at the camp and I was doing all the cleaning. Back in the day when I just thought I would stay a couple months to save enough money to be able to move on. Back in the day when I lived in a Forestry Cabin and was the only person allocated to do the cleaning on a daily basis. Back in the day when I was still labelled as a "backpacker."

Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Times have changed quite significantly since I was a cleaner for the Hanmer Springs Forest Camp. Not only have I moved out of cabin B1 to a proper house (though the insulation leaves nothing to be desired), but my entire position at the camp has changed. There is something to be said about being in a position where I feel completely exhilarated to come to work every single day. Sure - I work at a campground, but the Hanmer Springs Forest Camp isn't just any campground. There is so much depth and history and potential to it that it could keep me going for many years to come. 

Essentially, all my thinking of the past has brought me to where I am at today. As the Volunteer & Fundraising Coordinator of the camp, I have been set with the task of implementing a steady stream of income through donations, fundraising and funding that the camp has otherwise not had since it opened its doors in 1978. And now it has nearly come. I have been putting together plans for an annual Art & Film Festival to occur in January 2013 that should the remaining sponsors get on board - will be not only the biggest event the camp has ever had, but the biggest event of Hanmer Springs. Complete with Art Stalls, Workshops, Silent Auction, Entertainment, a free Kids Zone, Food and an Open-Air Cinema, there will be something for people of all ages. And I can't wait for it to happen.

There is something to be said about planning an event that will bring in more money for the camp than what I will make in an entire year - it's brilliant to be part of something that has a vision. Has potential. Has direction. And who knows - maybe by putting in my two cents in the next couple of years I will be able to help the camp develop opportunities for underprivileged children to go to camp for a week. Maybe I will be able to help the camp upgrade some of its facilities. Maybe I will be able to help the camp generate enough funds to develop new programs. Maybe I will help the camp become all that it is meant to be. 

Hanmer Springs, Canterbury, New Zealand

In the meantime I find I am torn between being excited about my career prospects in what I am doing here in Hanmer Springs and trying not to lose touch with loved ones back in Canada. It's not easy being here, living day-by-day, knowing that those I love to pieces are on the other side of the world and that I'm missing out on their lives as much as their missing out on mine. As much as I know that I am were I am meant to be, I struggle with the guilt of knowing that I have chosen to be where I am. Is there ever a right choice between choosing to do what you love and be with those you love?

As it is, I find as the days tick on, I continue to look forward to going back to Canada for a visit. It has been long enough and I find each day that goes by I am more aware of all that I am missing out back in Canada. It is not that I want to go back to live there - it is that I know the more time that goes on, the more I am distancing myself from all that I once was. 

All that I can focus on is the fact that I have booked my flights. It will be awesome to see everyone that I have not seen for nearly 3 years now. It will be great to hug those I have not been able to for so long and finally sit down for a proper coffee within the same time zone and catch up. I can't wait to see how Calgary has changed in the past 3 years as much as I can't wait to see my best friend, Janelle, get married. There is so much about "home" that I have forgotten about - things such as stores being open 24/7, slurpees, and the ability to say aluminum foil without being laughed at (those that have traveled from North America know what I am talking about). I can't even remember what good TV is like, nor the feeling of driving down a proper "motorway" (the one into Christchurch is 2 lanes wide and 10km long). There is so much of Canadian/North American culture that I have not been a part of for so long that as excited as I am to go back - it also freaks the crap out of me. 

Even still, none of it matters as it is the people I plan to see that matters most. So much has changed in the last few years that it seems absurd to think that things can pick up where they have left off. It's difficult to know what will happen when I step off that plan at the Calgary airport, but I know one thing is for sure - I will be damn happy to be able to buy mascara for less than $20!

Stress is Related to 99% of all Illness

Stress is related to 99% of all illness.

~ Lululemon

It finally caught up to me. The stress of the last couple months has been slowly building towards a climactic finish – one that I should have seen coming. No, scratch that – I DID see it coming – I just chose to ignore it all. I figured that maybe if I could just hang on one more week. One more day – things would all work out. Things have worked out, just not me. I can officially say I am sick.

It happened this past Tuesday as I was sitting in reception, going over some email enquiries for the camp. As I sat there trying to decipher the newest message of gibber-gabber, I could feel the sickness overtake me. All of a sudden my head started to pound, as a sudden increase in perceived weight made me feel as though I had a bowling ball attached to my shoulders. All my muscles seized up and within an hour I had trouble focusing on the computer screen and my throat felt as though some animal had just come and scratched up the inside. The sickness had come for me and there was nothing I could do but sit there and watch.

And so now, on my days off, I sit here tending to myself with fluids, rest and a roll of toilet paper for my nose as I contemplate the going ons that have brought me to this point today. I can’t say I am particularly surprised to be in this position. The last two months have been a complete 3-ring circus of happenings – some of which have made me want to pinch myself to confirm I haven’t been dreaming it up.

Our new team with our Macpac Sponsored jackets

Kellie and Duncan, the new camp managers, have arrived and are quickly settling in – not so much due to the ease of transition, but more from the fact that they were simply handed the reins and told to jump right in. Their first weeks of being managers at the camp have included nearly every disaster scenario that could possibly happen, short of the entire camp burning down. Between trying to figure out (and then catch up on) the accounts, learning our ridiculous paper-format booking system, dealing with a group booking that decided to turn the camp into their near-rave party, handling a school of mischievous children and just generally trying to run the camp – it’s been a busy few weeks.

The most interesting bit that they (and the rest of us as staff) have had to deal with is a few rogue volunteers. We had welcomed a couple of backpackers with open arms two weeks ago to come and help us out in exchange for accommodation. None of us had any warm fuzzy feelings about these two, but couldn’t put our finger on what it was to feel confident that we should kick them out. And so we all kept our eye on them, the nagging feeling that something wasn’t quite right building up throughout the week. By the end of the week, us as staff had a sit-down and discussed our issues with the two newbies. Every issue seemed insignificant on its own, but when we added all our complaints together, we were happy with the decision to get rid of them the following day.

That day came and while we were waiting for them to start their shift, Kellie and I decided to snoop around their cabin to confirm our suspicions that they were smoking there after being told not to. It wasn’t difficult to find the multiple cigarette butts lying all around the cabin, but what peaked our interest was the open window with their cabin key lying on the window ledge. Seeming a bit strange, we peaked our heads in, only to find that there wasn’t a scrap of personal belongings left in the cabin. The two had buggered off.

Originally we had been told they had planned to meet someone in town for breakfast that day before coming to help out the camp. As such, they had used the camp’s bikes – but having seen the empty cabin, we immediately knew that they had not just taken off; they had taken off with our bikes. Kellie and I immediately went on the hunt for them in town, on the off chance that they were still around. With no luck finding them or the bikes, we stopped off at the police station to file a report.

Back at the camp, a few hours later and still fuming about being duped by a couple of volunteers, the cop we had talked to gave us a call. Apparently the two people we had let stay with us were quite well-known with the police and had a few warrants for their arrest. Perfect.

It wasn’t until the next day that we heard news that the police had found our two outlaws holed up in Greymouth. To top it off, one of them admitted the location of where they dumped the bikes and so we were able to get those back as well. Had they not stolen the bikes, they probably would have still been on the run without the cops behind them.

Needless to say, it was a good learning experience for all of us. Up until this point, we had relied on the fact that all international volunteers with a working holiday visa would already have a police check done to be able to get in New Zealand. It was the Kiwis that we hadn’t quite figured out what to do. Since this incident, we have tightened up on our recruiting process by implementing a mandatory Police Vetting check on all local volunteers, just to ensure we don’t have a repeat incident. In this case, we were lucky it was only our bikes that were stolen.

Linda & Prajot

Not all happenings at the camp have been bad though. Linda, another one of our volunteers, and Prajot (Activity Hanmer) have recently gotten married. It was a brilliant wedding and celebration of two people who are made to spend their lives together and we were all excited to be a part of it. Getting married in the forest and then with the celebrations back at the camp – I felt priviledged to be able to be the photographer for their big day.

As well, I have been able to help out with two big races in Hanmer Springs, learning more about event management as I go – which has in turn helped me with planning the big fundraiser for the camp next January. As exhausting as it has been, it has been incredibly fascinating to learn what works and what doesn't in the world of events. With any luck I’ll be able to soak all the info up and use it in my future plans.

I suppose the latest news has been with Lucy. I have finally been able to take Lucy to the vet to get fixed, which will allow her to go outside more without me worrying about the potential of little cat-babies running around. Plus, I can make her an outside cat and no longer need to use a litterbox. All went relatively smooth until I got a call from the vet about to do the surgery who informed me that Lucy was in fact a boy. Shows how much I know. The only comfort I received was that apparently it happens quite frequently because kittens are hard to tell the sex. Go figure.

The rest of the day I spent mulling over new cat names as I figured keeping the name “Lucy” with a pink collar was a bit much. So I came up with Kaeto, naming him after the character in Pink Panther. It works – so aside from my poor cat going from a girl to a boy to an “it” all in one day, he is recovering quite well. I only wish I could say the same.

Everything hurts and my nose is running a marathon today. With any luck it’s all just a sign of everything settling down into a sense of normalcy for a while. Fingers crossed this next week is stress free.

Listen, Listen, Listen

Listen, listen, listen and then ask strategic questions.

~ Lululemon

So I've listened. For the past year or so I have strained my ears to hear the comments of the local Kiwis and I concluded that there has been barely a peep of protest from them. I don' get it. Everyone appears to be rather content with their lives and homes just the way they are with no one significantly making progress to change. Perhaps I've just been hanging around people that have newer houses.

For a while there I was starting to think that it was just me. Or maybe, the effects of everything weren't as bad as what I anticipated them to be. That thought came crashing down today when I got my monthly statement from the electricity company only to find that in the last 30 days my usage for electricity appears to have skyrocketed. Perfect. It was just what I had feared.

Obviously I anticipated some sort of increase in my electricity bill now that we have entered Autumn and Winter is on the horizon. The days are cooler and the nights are frosty - it's all well and lovely until my house enters the equations. True to Kiwi-style, my house was built with the classic "she'll be alright" mentality. There are visible gaps around the outside doors that let a continuous stream of warmish-air out while the cold air fights its way in. Many of the windows to entirely close all the way - again, the airflow is constant. There is only single-pane glass on all windows and the only insulation to speak of that I know about is what has been slapped up in the ceiling space, all loosely lying there for the mice to build their homes.

Heating? Well, forget the classic central heating system that I am used to from Canada. There is a wood burner and as nice as it is to sit in front of the fire each night (I frequently am within an arm's reach away), it takes nearly half a day before it is able to heat the entire house to a level that my feet don't feel numb. The only way to speed up the heating process is to turn on a draft system built into the ceiling (apparently no one thought through the basic principle of heat - it rises - which makes it doubly difficult for the air to actually heat the room) to which the hot air from the wood burner is sucked through the ceiling and then blown out various faucets around my house.

This is the way of the Kiwi. And those that have discovered the simplicity of double-glazing and fitting doors/windows properly so there are no gaps are astounded at the amount of warmth that stays in the house (even at night!) and the fact that their energy bill is greatly decreased. There's actually commercials interviewing people on this. For the rest of us poor buggers who either have no idea of how life could be so much more warm and energy efficient or simply do not have enough money to upgrade their house, we continue to sit in our three layers of clothing (even though it's still +10 degrees outside) surrounding the wood burner as though it is our life source.

I vaguely remember the good old days back in Canada where my energy bill would be somewhere in the realm of $40/month over the coldest months - cold the Kiwi's here can't even begin to fathom and yet I was still able to keep the lights on all day and was toasty warm in my little flat. Here? I sit in the dark to save electricity, pile on the clothes and turn off every electrical outlet I possibly can just to save energy. And yet my bill has still hit the $90 mark. Brilliant.

Sure, my energy bill has still yet to see the effects of me getting rid of my TV and such, but I reckon winter is still going to be a time of reading books by the light of the fire as I burn through yet another forest of trees trying to keep the house warm enough to not be catching a cold every other week.

Maybe one day Kiwis will catch onto the idea that if they built their houses to suit all weather to begin with, they'd end up saving a heap of money, time and effort. They would no longer need a gas or electric heater in every room. They would no longer need to "prepare for winter" by purchasing an electric blanket for every bed (yes, they still use those here) -- there would be no need for the hot water bottles or insulated window curtains (no lies). People would be able to sit inside their homes comfortably without having the wood fire going full blast 24/7. They would rest assured that their electric bill would be a reasonable and affordable amount to pay each month.

In the meantime, I will sit huddled up in my house built back in the 1950s (or whenever) and try to stay warm as I think of how I can possibly cut down even further on my electricity bill in the future - there IS only me here. It seems ridiculous to be spending that amount of money on a bill - I might as well be letting my money fly through the gap under my front door along with all the hot air.

Observe a Plant Before and After Watering

Observe a plant before and after watering and relate these benefits to your body and brain.

~ Lululemon

I did the deed. I got rid of my TV. Crazy - I know. in this day in age where everyone is aiming for the biggest TV they can possibly fit on their living room wall with the picture so clear it is as though you are there in the show - it seems absurd to not want one at all. For one thing - what does all the living room furniture point at if not a TV?

Regardless - I got rid of mine. Not like it was much of a TV to begin with. It was pretty old-school, so small I found myself curled up on the floor in front of it just so I could see what was going on. And the picture - well, it wasn't so horrible, but it was as though someone had bumped the side of the screen, causing whatever program I watched to be squished over to the right which meant I constantly had to guess what was going on at that side of the screen. So no big loss there.

But without a TV - what do I do with myself? Pretty much whatever I want. Quite frankly, I was getting annoyed with myself as I was developing certain couch potato qualities I never thought I would have. When I finished work for the day, it seemed easier to just turn on the TV and eat my food in front of it. Mind-numbing. Comforting. Waste of time.

Everyday would be the same and everyday as I watched the latest episodes of crappy shows I didn't really want to watch, I would make lists in my head of all the things I wanted to accomplish with my time - things I wasn't particularly doing right then. Things I would do "tomorrow." As days slipped by and became weeks, I noticed my answers to peoples questions of what's new with me would become more and more dull - quite simply because nothing had been happening with me. It was all happening in my TV screen.

I never much wanted a TV when I got my own place, but figured it was the socially acceptable thing to do as that's what people expect to be entertained by when they come for a visit right? A scary thought to have to think up other things to do when I have visitors. Things like having a normal conversation. Playing cards. Going outside. Cooking.

And so the TV is gone. I won't lie - the first few days were hard - but it made it easier to know I no longer had the option of bringing it back. It was gone. At first I didn't know what to do with myself and ended up sitting in a chair staring at my wall while I thought of all the things I "should" do, but couldn't really bring myself to do them. And then one day it clicked.

I started reading again. My house is cleaner than it ever has been. I finally finished writing my book about Te Araroa Trail (not-yet-published). I am more focused at work. I actually taste what I make for dinner and am trying new recipes just for fun. I go on longer walks. I spend more time with friends. With Jess & Lucy. Tonight I even learned how to cut myself a fringe (bangs) and did it because I could.

My furniture is still the same way it was with a TV, but I no longer notice the whole it left - instead I notice the changing colors of the leaves outside the windows or the big stack of books I want to read again. I still watch movies (on my laptop) and go on the internet. I'm not completely going back to the dark ages. But I do think that getting rid of my TV was the best thing I could have ever done. It wasn't a necessity - it was actually becoming a hindrance to the life I wanted to lead.

So who knows - maybe one day I will get myself a new TV, maybe not. But right now I intend to enjoy life for what it is and maybe just take a minute to observe a plant before and after watering. Just because I can.

Friends Are More Important Than Money

Friends are more important than money.

~ Lululemon

There may have been some rumours floating around - I am here to tell you they are true. I can officially say that I am coming back to Canada for a visit. Not until November, but still. It is time. It has been nearly three years since I was last in my hometown of Calgary and though it seems like I just left yesterday - it has been way too long.

I have been planning to come back for some time and wanted to do it as a surprise, but when my close friend, Janelle, informed me of her wedding plans for November - my plans were made for me. I would be coming back then. I don't know how long I will stay, but I hope to see everyone again. It's a scary thought, really. Sure - in a lot of ways I will feel as though I am coming "home," but in so many other ways it will feel as though I have travelled to a completely foreign country.

For the past three years I have met so many different people, eaten so much different food and explored so many different places, that it's hard to fathom what life would be like if I went back to Canada. Sure, I still remember, but that was also nearly 3 years ago - a lot has changed. In me. In my friends & family. In Canada. I, for one, refuse to eat orange cheese - regardless if it is in a tube, spray can, jar or in solid form. I no longer have a phobia of eating a meat-free diet and I worry over the thought of not being able to find pumpkin or beetroot (beets) to add to nearly everything I make. Not to mention driving.

I have been gone for so long that I now drive on the left side of the road in my dreams. It seems weird to watch people drive on the right side of the road in movies and I wonder if my brain will survive the huge adjustment when I am back in Canada.

There are many other adjustments I have to mentally prepare myself for in planning a visit back to Canada. Things like the fact that there are actually dangerous animals to consider when going to the bush. Things like the fact that people say "garbage" instead of "rubbish," "tom-A-to" instead of "tom-AH-to" and "to-go" instead of "takeaway." Things like the fact that people actually care about fashion. And money. And things. Things like the fact that television series are up to 5 years ahead of what we watch here in New Zealand - and that ANY television show will be 100x flashier than what I have become accustomed to in NZ. Canadians will have insulation in all buildings and electrical outlets OUTSIDE their houses (to plug in their cars) and generally make a big deal out of how everything is cheaper in the States. At least one can drive there on the weekend to pick up what they want.

That all said, there will be things I miss of NZ as well. I am not sure how well I will be able to handle all the people in Canada. Going from a town of 1000 locals of which I live on the outskirts in the middle of a forest to a city of a million plus is going to cause a bit of anxiety. It will seem strange to think that places won't close at 5pm so all the workers can get home to their families. It will also seem weird to know that though I am going "home" - I am not really as NZ is currently my home.

There are a lot of things that will be weird - scary even - but most of all I am excited to be able to see everyone I love in person again. To be able to hug people in real life and not be confined to Skype. To be able to book in coffee dates where I am existing on the same day as the person I am chatting to (generally I am a day ahead any time I talk to people in Canada due to the time difference). There are heaps things I can't wait to do - heaps of people I want to see and most of all - I am excited that because I am coming back for Janelle's wedding, I get to share my excitement with everyone else. I don't know if I would have survived having to keep things a surprise otherwise.

So - until next time, I can't wait - for everything! Fingers crossed November comes soon enough!

Creativity is Maximized When You're Living in the Moment

Creativity is maximized when you're living in the moment.

~ Lululemon

Life is a work of art. It is a painting that is never finished. It is a blank canvas for you to add the splash of color. Or not. Life is your's for the taking - paint a detailed picture or an abstracted thought of emotion. Just as no work of art is identical to the next, such as life. Create it as your own - the good and bad - it is all there. There is no "redo" button when doing a painting. No "undo" function to take it back a brushstroke. Life is just the same. Each moment that passes us by will never exist in that moment in time ever again. Life is full of second chances, but never is there a moment to truly forget the past. So take the good. The bad. The ugly. Take it all and create a masterpiece - for your life is yours and no one else's to claim.

In this past week - I have been thinking often about my life and what has brought me to today. If my life were a painting - what would it look like? I reckon it'd be one of those famously mysterious pieces that are layer upon layers of different paintings that can only be discovered if someone peeled each layer away. My life can not simply be summed up with one picture. So much has changed since I was a little girl of 8 with big dreams for what will happen when I become "old." And my life is yet to be over - the painting yet to be complete. But already it is fabulous and I know without a doubt it will be a masterpiece - if only it is me that thinks so.

Life is a rollarcoaster ride. There are the ups and the downs. There are the moments you want to be sick and those that make you scream. There are the white-knuckled moments and those of which you raise your hands in the air - you have never felt so free. There are moments in life that everything is turned upside down and you are not sure if you can make it through, but then you do. Life is a rollarcoaster ride - just without the height restriction.

In having a bit of a self-realization session in the past couple of weeks, I feel very much as though I have been on a rollarcoaster ride. I feel as though I have been gritting my teeth as I bump my way up yet another hill - unsure what awaits me when I get to the top. Everything has been building for some time - my job, my relationships, my finances, my life plans and I just don't know what is to come of it all. I know deep down things will work out, but it's the anticipation of waiting to see how much of a climb I have left to go before it does that is freaking me out. I need to just keep reminding myself to be strong in who I am - in what I know.

Life is a box of chocolates. You never know which one you are going to get. You never know what tomorrow will bring so stop worrying about it. Make the most of today. Enjoy which chocolate you happen to receive and stop wishing for the next one. There is always going to be someone with worse life misery than you. Feel blessed for what you have. If you don't - then change. Make a difference. Make a stand. Dream big and never look back - after all, a chocolate is just a chocolate. It's what you do with it that makes it count.

A year ago Alex and I were in Invercargill buying up the stock of a second-hand clothing store in preparation for our Te Araroa Trail finish. I would have never imagined I would be where I am right now and I think that is a good thing. As much as I enjoy dreaming big, I would never really want to know what I am going to be doing in the future. I'd rather just focus on chasing my dreams - let the other cards fall where they may. I just wish I could go back and tell the 13-year-old me that I should have dreamed bigger. Oh-so-much bigger. The possibilities of what life can be are endless and I'm loving it. A year from now? Who knows what will become of me.

Life is a journey. So keep going forward and don't look back. Enjoy the scenery around you - stop to smell the flowers. Learn from your mistakes. Breathe. Climb the mountain - don't go around. The view is so much more spectacular from the top. Don't take shorcuts - you never know what life lessons and pleasures await you around the next corner. Stop wishing for something that is yet to be - just be. Enjoy. Love. Live.

It's true what they say about what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. This week I feel as though I have been made stronger. Sure, there has been an end to a relationship in my life - but through it I have learned more about myself that I ever would have had I not taken the leap. I learned more about what I want out of life - what I want for myself - what I deserve. I learned that it's okay to hold the same high standards for people in my life as what I hold for myself. I learned that it's okay to be me.

Life is a funny thing. From one day to the next so much can change and I think that is what makes it so fascinating. The grass is never greener on the other side. You can never have it all. Dream big but know it is the small things that really matter in life. You only get one chance at this life so make the most of it. It is never to late.

Your Outlook on Life is a Direct Reflection

Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself.

~ Lululemon

This past week I had a light bulb moment. For whatever reason, no matter how often I have these moments, they always seem to take me by surprise. This occasion was no exception.

Lately I have been doing a lot of life reflection – mostly because I have been fighting this sickening feeling in my stomach. As though I am drowning and can’t breathe. As though I am fighting against something so much bigger than myself that it is hopeless to think I might win. And then it clicked. With all that was going on in my life, I suddenly realized what it was that was bothering me.

All too often in my relationships I put myself second. I don’t say this in a look-how-incredibly-unselfish-I-am. I say this because I finally realized that my choices to hide my real thoughts, my real desires, my real self behind a curtain have been slowly crippling me. With people I don’t know – this isn’t an issue as there is no risk involved with me being exactly who I am. There are no consequences to the situation as there is no worry for me to feel rejected. But with those I actually care about? Completely different story.

As it has happened – in three different relationships within my life, I all of a sudden realized that my big internal battle going on wasn’t because of them. It was because of me. There is a reason that most of what I do in my life is on my own – it’s because I feel strongest as an individual. I hate relying on others because they let you down. But in doing a little reflection, I have also realized just how much relying on others can be a beautiful thing. My own journey with Alex walking Te Araroa Trail comes to mind. She’ll probably hate me talking about this, but bless her – she has been one of the few friends to fight tooth and nail into my life and hasn’t left yet. She (as well as a few others in my life) has been there for me through thick and thin – the good and bad – and hasn’t run away yet. She has shown me that people can be there for each other and accept each other for exactly who they are.

In the last year, I have slowly forgotten that and instead have found myself to be in multiple situations where I am afraid. Afraid of being who I am because of what it means. Afraid of getting out there and taking some risks in the relationship world. Afraid of standing up for what I believe in and who I am about because that might set me apart from others.

I have decided that I will be afraid no more.

Sure – it has meant a few reality checks. It has meant a few shifts in my relationships. It has meant realizing that someone I care about quite deeply doesn’t care about me in the same way and probably never will. He has since moved on after I called him on it. I’m sad – but it will be okay. I am stronger for it.

It has meant that I have needed to take more risks in my relationships – voice my concerns and be honest about what I want. That has meant throwing myself out there to a loved one to get some answers sorted. It scares the hell out of me, but maybe it will finally help the two of us start to put the pieces back together again. I only hope that she will choose to accept me for who I am and move on from the past. It’s about time – it’s been nearly 3 years.

It also means that I need to make my career my own. I can’t be looking for someone to hold my hand through my work-related decisions. I need to stand up to my own ideas and claim them for myself. I need to be confident that I know what I am doing – even if I have never done such a thing before. And I need to be honest with myself about when the time has come and enough is enough. At the end of the day, it is only me that does the job I do and only I can make sure it is done to the best of my ability. If that means thinking outside the box and pushing some boundaries to help reach the company’s goal objectives – then I will do it because I can. I don’t know what I am capable of and I don’t know my limits as I have never reached for the stars with my career aspirations and it’s about time I start doing that.

Overall, it has been a big week of learning. About sticking to my guns – about living up to the expectations that I hold for myself. And sometimes it is difficult to accept that the expectations I have for myself are not the same that another person has for themselves, but that doesn’t mean I need to hide who I am because of it. Because I am who I am.

Don't Trust that an Old Age Pension Will be Sufficient

Don't trust that an old age pension will be sufficient.

~ Lululemon

I finally finishes it. Or at least the first draft. Since completing Te Araroa Trail, I have been working on writing a book about mine and Alex's adventure. And now it is done. It seems surreal to think that nearly a year ago we were rounding the corner to finish walking the length of New Zealand and even more surreal to think that I am actually finishing what I set out to do - write about it. 

I don't know what will become of the book - if anyone will care to read it or even publish it. It doesn't matter because I did it for myself. I did it so that at the end of the day I will have a solid record of what we went through - a story. Our story. My story. I am 100% confident that if Alex were to write a book her perspective on things would have been entirely different from mine - maybe even to the point of seeming as though it was two entirely different adventures all together. But it doesn't matter. This book will simply be my account of what went on in my head as we traveled the length of New Zealand on foot. 

Maybe there will be a day to which I will no longer talk about the trail. Maybe there will be a day to which I will find some greater adventure to embark on. Maybe there will be a lot of things that distract me from what I have done until one day I am reminded again. I hope there will. 

Lucy "helping" me write.

But until that happens - it is just me and this book. Writing it word for word. Reliving each and every moment of our blood, sweat and tears. Each of those 171 days accounted for. From start to beginning I have been writing and now that the hard part is over, it is now just a matter of making it all sound good. Should be fun. 

At least it is keeping my busy from other things on my mind. Up until a week ago I have been training for a marathon that I wanted to run beginning of May. I have never really believed in myself that I could do it - but I figured I would give it my best shot. Or at least up until a week ago that was the case. 

But then life set in and I had a bit of a reality check. The costs of doing the trip up to Auckland for the weekend in order to run the race was going to cost me so much more than just simply the entrance fee. It would be a good chunk of change - a wad of cash I just wasn't sure I could afford to give up. This past year has been a huge learning experience for me - a lesson on what is more important in life. A lesson on where my priorities are. A lesson on my finances. 

In the past year I have made it my focus to become debt free. All while travelling I have been making due with payments as I could - but not seriously sitting down to push myself to achieve goals of paying it off. It is a ball and chain I have carried with me since going to school. Since moving out on my own. Since getting my first, second and third credit cards. I do not regret the choices I have made in the past to get me to where I am, but I know without a doubt that I no longer want to put myself in this position again. It's suffocating. 

And so this past year has been filled with many choices that have left me with the reality check that if I want to be debt free - if I REALLY want to sort things out... I need to get serious and actually stick to my budget of paying it off. That might mean I have to wear my K-Mart shoes for another month. That might mean that all my furniture in the house is secondhand from donations. That might mean I can't go out to dinner with friends twice a month. It might mean saying no to a lot of things I wish I could do - but it also means I am learning how to be stronger with myself. Learning how to take control of my life and make it possible for me to one day be free.

But it also means that I have had to pull out of doing the marathon. It was a tough decision as the marathon was something I had been looking forward to - a goal for me to go out and achieve. The reality though was that it would have meant that I would have to spend money that I technically do not have to do it - money that was meant to go towards becoming debt free. 

Dropping out of the marathon does not mean I am a quitter. It does not mean I will stop running or that I will give up on my goal of doing a marathon - that marathon. It just means I have put it on hold as there are more important things I can be doing with my time and money right now. It just means that next year when I have paid my last payment that maybe the marathon race will mean so much more than simply a physical test of my endurance. Maybe it will be a celebration of what I have achieved in my life - maybe it will signify my freedom from all that has bound me for the last few years. 

And so - as I look ahead with my life, I am finally beginning to realize what it means to live life to the full. It's not always about jumping into random situations just for the experience and adventure that one gets out of it. Sometimes it's about making those tough decisions that will ultimately make you a better person in the long run. My focus in life is so much more than simply writing a book of my adventures or doing a marathon race as though I have something to prove. It's about the long term goal of becoming who I want to become - about reaching my full potential. My focus in life has become the bigger picture. 

With that in mind, maybe that means that I will have to ration my budget for a little longer and get stuck in with editing a book rather than spending money on new clothes - but that is okay. One more year to go. One more year to press on with and then the sky will be the limit.

Athletic-induced Endorphins Gives You the Power

A daily hit of athletic-induced endorphins gives you the power to make better decisions, helps you be at peace with yourself, and offsets stress.

~ Lululemon

Me at the top of Single Cone Mtn - December 27/11

New Year. New goals. New cat. New post. or at least that is how it feels anyway... that and I am a bit late at getting this whole "new post" thing done. Amazing how time slips through the fingers. Already the middle of January... or at least almost there - Friday the 13th it is. Spooky.


The first couple weeks of this new year of 2012 have started with a bang for me. Or technically speaking - not so much of a bang for me as I spent New Year's Eve curled up with a good book and ended up asleep by 8pm. So much for staying awake to bring in the New Year. Not that it mattered - the New Year came just the same (as it does every year) and I haven't quite figured out what the big deal is with the New Year representing new beginnings and such. The whole resolutions thing I haven't really bought into. I mean... by all means - if having a specific date each year to encourage people to reflect about their lives and put together a list of randomly vague goals to hopefully accomplish (and most don't) by the turn of the next year is what is needed to get people to improve upon themselves... then go for it. 


As far as I'm concerned - each and every day is an opportunity to better myself and create reachable goals for both the near and distant future. Such as running. Last time I wrote I talked of wanting to do a marathon (the person I was a year ago is still putting up a bit of a protest as to why I would want to do something so incredibly insane) and I am still working towards that goal. So much, in fact, that I have done some research for some races coming up and have found one for the beginning of May - t42 (http://www.t42.co.nz/). Taking on the form of New Zealand's iconic 42 Traverse track, racers will come to either run or bike the route. 


The 42 Traverse is part of the Te Araroa Trail, only this race will go from South to North as opposed to the other way that TAT takes trampers. As it happened when Alex and I were walking TAT, we ended up avoiding the 42 Traverse section and following the road. Partly because we were behind schedule. Partly because we wanted to get to Tongariro for Christmas. But mostly because we had had one of our worst weeks of bush walking in the rain and were a bit tired of it all. 


When I heard of the opportunity to go and run this section - I knew that was it. This is the marathon I am meant to do. Had my name written all over it. One of my co-workers heard of what I was aiming to do and she had a bit of a laugh at me and commented that it was a bit ridiculous that I don't just try to do a marathon - I pick one of the more difficult races to do. But hey - the way I see it - I got 4 more months of training and that is a hell of a lot more than what I gave myself to walk the length of New Zealand... and I still did that right? How hard could - 4-6hrs of running up and down mountain trails be? 


Anyway - my days have been filled with early morning run - watching the sun rise as I huff and puff my way through hill training or interval training or strength training. All the while my mind is more focused on the end result than it ever has been at anything else in my lifetime. I have never trained for anything before. I don't think practices for team sports back in High School quite make the cut. I figure if I have done all I have done in my lifetime, I can do this. And I will. I'm completely and utterly stoked. 


And so I broke through the New Year by falling asleep at 8pm only to wake just after 5am and crawl out of bed for a run. The air was so fresh and not a soul to be seen on the trails that day. It was a perfect way to start the New Year. 


A couple days later it was the same story, only as I was running along the road, I could hear a cat mewing from a tree. I didn't want to stop then as I had just begun my run, so I made the mental note to check it out on my way back if I still heard the noise. I did. I followed the noise to the tree only to find myself face-to-face with a blackish kitten that had clearly gotten itself stuck too high to jump back down. With no firemen to help me in sight, I stood at the bottom and tried to coax it down. Eventually it made the move and jumped into my outstretched arms and immediately began purring. I was hooked. 

As we were essentially in the middle of nowhere, there was no possible home nearby to take the kitten, so I took it to mine. And it hasn't left since. I have named her Lucy and haven't quite figured out how committed I am to keeping her as keeping her surely would mean long term responsibility -- something of which I am just not convinced I am ready to have. But in the meantime she stays. 


And so that is the extent of 2012 for me as of this date. Not much has happened outside of my daily runs and cat feeding. Work is as usual - work, but I am still loving it. Summer has finally decided to come around and I only hope that with it it will bring so much more adventure.