"my mama always said, 'life was like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get.'"

today was the first. it happened. i never really expected that it would - but it did just the same. taking me by surprise, i found that i actually started thinking of if i should be hopping on a plane to go back "home." i am not entirely sure if i can call home "home" anymore as they say "home is where the heart is," and quite frankly, my heart is not in calgary.

so why go back? it is not of boredom, homesickness or an otherwise longing need to sit my butt on an airplane for another 16-odd hours of my life untill i touch ground again. it is more or less due to the deepening feeling that i am leading a double life. i feel torn between the responsibilities and relationships that have me still tied to calgary in all that it is -- and that of which i now have here in sydney. i suspected it might become to feel like this at some point during my journey's, but it now is so much more aplified with the growing frustrations surrounding my banking situation. something of which i refuse to devulge into detail during this blog entry - everyone has heard me vent long enough regarding the situtation and all i care to say is that, no, it has not been solved -- in fact, it appears to worsen as each day passes.

i have now officially been going for 4 months and 16 days - or a total of 139 days. not an incredibly long time by any means, but still long enough to make it a significant chunk of time. i dont think i would be at this point writing about thinking of returning to canada so soon if it were not for the situation regarding my finances. it has come to the point where i actually dread having to do anything related to trying to fix the situation as i have hit my breaking point. i hit that today. in trying to solve my problems i had gone to the australian bank here in hopes that they could help me out. they couldnt and i had to leave the premises rather quickly as my emotions simply bubbled up and i broke down in tears.

it is one thing to have to deal with such a delicate matter if i was actually IN calgary and able to have access to the branches - but to have to deal with it on the other side of the world is another matter entirely. the time difference alone adds a whole level of frustration and restriction to a problem that is complicated enough on it's own.

hense why the thought popped into my head today of possibily wanting to return to canada. but just as quickly as it came into my head - i dismissed it. i dont REALLY want to come back to canada at this point. it is not my time. there is nothing particular there that i am needed for there. no job. no home to speak of. i dont even really particularly hold a huge amount of warm-fuzzy feelings towards calgary. of course - friends and family are a great reason to return... but from the depths of my heart i know. it is not my time yet.

i figured this all out while doing laundry this afternoon. as it was too cold, cloudy and windy to do anything particularly beach-worthy today, i decided to dedicate my present existence to attempting on pursuing a solution to my banking situation (which, as i said - ended up with me in tears) and finally washing my clothes. in australia, in order to conserve energy and such, the availability of dryers for clothing are virtually non-existant. it is a rarity for any building complex to have one and even if it does, it is even more rare for people to use it. the general process for drying clothes in australia is to hang them up. this is something i have grown to love - almost to look forward to when it comes to washing clothes. there is something so calming, so relaxing, so utterly peaceful about hanging clothes on a clothesline. it's a therapy of sorts. it reminds me of a simpler life - it IS a simpler way of life - where the use of machines is not a necessity. it forces me to slow down and take time to think.

and thats what i did today. it was during hanging up all my wet garmets that i had carried in my reusable nylon grocery bag from the laundrymat that i was able to firmly process the going-ons of the swirling thoughts in my head. it was then that i was able to finally calm down and find peace within myself and realize that i am not ready to give up on my journey in australia. there is so much left to see and do here that i can not and will not let my frustrations with the bank back in canada make me think that i have to rush home to sort it out.

i reminded myself that what is meant to be will be. and it will. it always will.