Today I took a moment to reflect on exactly all that I have done - not just this past year, but as far back as what my Facebook photos would allow me to time-travel. All of a sudden I found myself overcome with such a fullness in my heart... a fullness for all the experiences I have had. All the friends I made. All the places I have seen. All the laughter had. All the life lived.
What surprised me the most was that a majority of the photos captured I remembered when they were taken. And I remembered forcing myself (many, many times) to post them on Facebook. I remember forcing myself to ignore how I thought my hair wasn't quite right. To pretend I didn't see just how "big" my thighs looked or how my face appeared wider in comparison to everyone else in the shot. For as long as I can remember, I have always struggled with accepting myself for who I am and being okay of the way I look. And now as those moments have passed and years have gone by, I am able to look at the photos and not critique everything about me... not because that part of me has changed, but because it is far enough in the past that I no longer feel twinged by feelings of shame over my body from that moment in time.
Now that those moments have past, all I see is the smile that reaches my eyes. The laughter I can hear still lingering in the air. The gorgeous surroundings and how - no matter how I try - I can't say anything bad about the person I see reflected in the photos. That person is me. Those moments captured on camera have brought me to where I am today and it forever amazes me to where life has taken me.
And so as this year comes to a close and the next one opens up to a promise of starting anew yet again, I find myself faced with a resolution. A resolution that I learn to accept me for me. Not just who I am as a person - but what I look like at any camera angle. Because 5 years from now when I look back on the photos I take today, everything I find annoyingly hideous won't be noticeable to my eyes. And so it's not worth the mental angst to stress about it now. When I take the time to think about it, I figure I am already a pretty awesome version of myself and trying to reach invisible expectations is simply a waste of my time. I'd rather be celebrating the good times with more photography.
With that in mind, I think it is so incredibly important for all of us to start seeing the beauty of ourselves - regardless of our age, gender or size. For we are all beautiful because of our imperfections, not without them. It is a shame that we can spend so much time idolizing each other in a wrath of green envy on Facebook (though it can take a while for us to admit we do such a thing) when in reality we should be proud of the accomplishments, events and photos of ourselves we post on Facebook and other social media sites. Those sites are essentially a way to market yourself as a "brand," but why do we get so obsessed with making our brand an ideal of what we think we should be rather than just being ourselves?
Anyway - with that rant over and done with, I do hope that I will be able to make more of an effort in my own life to accept the way I look now... not wait for when I get those perfectly toned abs, slim down my legs or tilt my head in just the right way so the camera can capture my face with a slimmer perspective - there's too much going on in life to be worried about such things as it only makes me regret that I didn't fully enjoy those moments I was living as I couldn't appreciate me for me until years later when I was able to face the photos again.
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