stepping into fear is the most self-empowering thing you can do for yourself

october 9/09

i dont understand what it is with french people who like to travel so they can "learn english," but then always seem to end up grouping together to babble away in french. its amusing, really. i mean, i understand the whole im-in-a-foreign-country-and-i-dont-speak-the-language deal which makes a person gravitate towards others like them. but my observation comes from the fact that my last 8 hostel roommates have all spoken french and clung together like a heard of cattle. there have been no germans. no asians. no anything other than french. just me and a bunch of french people. i wish i could pick up the language uber fast to know what theyre talking about.

october 10/09

"whatever is meant to be will be." and sometimes making what is meant to be happen is as much about being patient and waiting as it is about going out there to make things happen. i find that an incredibly hard concept for me to swallow - sitting on my hands and waiting for the cards to be dealt. i am a "doer." if i want something - i will go after it with all i got. but what after that? that is the time to wait. to think. to let the answers and optiosn come to me. what i have learned in life is that which is meant to be neither falls in your lap nor does it necessarily automatically come when it is so fiercely pursues. it is a balance - as all good things in life are.

what i am ultimately referring to is my house-hunt. i have come to the place in which i have exhausted all my options and nothing has felt quite right yet. nothing has given me that feeling of bubbling excitement to know that this is the place i am supposed to be. so now it is time to back off a little and see what will come of everything.

ashley (the girl i met at one of my interviews) and i have found a lovely apartment to rent in the heart of bondi junction. within walking distance to everything, fully furnished, clean and in a decent price range - it works. only we need 2-3 other people to share it with as there is no possible way we'd be able to afford it on our own. we have untill monday (2 days from now) to find people. right. the trick is not to find "people," as plenty will pay the money to live in bondi - its finding the RIGHT people. as i said - what is meant to be will be.

so i wait - wait for housing, wait for my barista training, wait for the weather to get nicer, wait for my jobs to start - i sit here and think. i always find it so fascinating just to take the time to think. about everything and anything, but just to let the mind wander. its a beautiful thing. freeing. inspiring. uninhibiting. the mind has no boundaries and yet all too often we try to restrain it. conform it. guide it in the "right" direction.

as i let my mind wander i find myself reflecting on the insanity the last few days have been. the ugly weather. the rushed walks to catch a train for an interview. the countless hostel roommates and the neverending want for a space of my own. i contemplate how odd it will be to have to go back to work on monday as i have not done such a thing for the past 4 months. and yet it feels just like yesterday that i stopped. at least my nights are no longer filled iwth dreams of my former job that had been so much a part of my life for the past 3 years. i no longer feel myself getting all riled up in frustrations over the politics that once consumed my life. i am free from those chains and are only now bound by the memories and relationships of my former co-workers and clients that i hold dear.

i also find myself thinking about where my travels have taken me thus far. what started out as a single idea in my mind years ago has now become my reality and it is so much more than what i can possibly imagin. as wierd as it is to constantly be bombarded with new places, faces, experiences and as stressful as it has beeen whether losing my trail in the middle of BCs mountains, breaking my camera, wandering the streets of portland, oregon, or attempting to find both a job and place to live in at one of the most saught after places in the world - i am at peace. its that feeling that comes from deep down within that i know that no matter what the day brings, i am where i am supposed to be in life. i am on the right path, if you will. i only wish more people out there had the drive and will to go after their dream. their path. their place in life.

as i think about my journey, i find myself reflecting on my experiences of transportation. every place i have been to has a different mode, different way, different culture about getting from point A to point B. in calgary, canada, the train system is above ground and it is more common for people to drive their own car than to take a taxi. if you dont know how to get somewhere, it can be a pain to figure out the transit routes online as you have to do it all manually. in edmonton, however, a person can type in their location and desired destination and the computer will automatically calculate which buses and trains to take. their train system, on the otherhand is primarily underground. i can remember countless times attempting to ride the train in edmonton and getting lost as the underground tunnels would guide me to exit points sometimes blocks away from the actual train station. of course - that WAS my first experience on an underground transit system.

over in nelson, BC, they still have a tram car that will take people along a route almost the entire length of the small city. in vancouver and victoria, ferries are the way to go. countless routes will transport people and vehicles to different points around vancouver island, down the coast of BC and even in to the states. vancouvers train system is one to be admired - its various lines consist of completely computerized train cars. there are no drivers, the train doors automatically open and close and the train will adjust its speed as needed in order to stay on schedule. finally, vancouver is one of the best cities i have been too for when it comes to cycling access on roads. almost all the road there will have a cycling lane and so many people cycle to and from work and simply around the city that it has actually been debated that it might now be becoming a problem.

in comparison, new york city, USA uses taxis like vancouver has bikes. the mass of yellow metal can be seen stretching all the way down the length of any street and should a person attempt to cross the street in front of a cab, i have actually experienced the drivers speed up as though they are aiming to hit me. i found the situation to be slightly such as that leapfrog computer game where you have to get your player across the river that is constantly moving along with debris and other fun things. new york also has one of the most elaborate subway systems that i have ever experienced - their subway lines criss-cross underground on multiple levels to the point where one could be perfectly happy spending days exploring the underground rail experience. that city was also my first introduction to having to scan my train pass through a machine in order to let me through the gate.

the USA also runs a great railway system that allows people to access any portion of their country for a cheap fair. unlike canadas VIA rail that simply goes east to west and back again, the USAs amtrak is an intricate system so welly established that it is even cheaper than riding the bus most times! plus, with more legroom, eating cars and sleeping cars, it can make a long distance journey incredibly relaxing and scenic.

.... and there are no words for the complexity that is LAX. i will just leave it as that. those that have been know what i mean - those that havent.... avoid it like the plague.

when i was in mexico, i learned and entirely different form of transportation - the honk-your-horn-for-anything (even if its just to inform others that your back is itchy) and drive in whichever lane you wish.... whether or not it is going in the direction you are. there was one particular instance i remember where the driver of our taxi bus decided to pass the vehicle ahead of us by pulling out into the left lane. it was all good, but the driver was apparently in no rush to get back into our actual lane and before long someone came barrelling down the road in the opposite direction. our direction. towards us. in front of us. all i could do was hold my breath and grit my teeth (i dont think that helped) as the guy opposite us managed to squeeze his vehicle onto the barely-there shoulder of the road in order to avoid collision. eventually our driver pulled back into our appropriate lane without a sweat. i was just glad to have avoided the almost near-death experience.

during another time in mexico, me and my friends decided to take the public transportation as it was cheaper than a cab. we hopped on the bus and sat down on the plastic seats only to find shortly after that the city bus system was also used by the locals to sell products, promote their religious beliefs, play their musical instruments for money and so much more. it was like our own little show-on-the-road... all for maybe $1 USD.

finally - here in sydney, australia, i have been fascinated to find that their train system uses double-decker trains to fill their subway lines. so when a person walks on to grab a seat, they have a choice of going down the stairs or up the stairs. then, to sit down, one is able to move the backseat of the train seats to sit facing either way - so there shouldnt be the issue of being stuck sitting backwards as the train moves. thouroughly inventive if you ask me....


october 11/09

so - as it turned out yesterday, after all my patient waiting - i finally got the call i was waiting for. 2 italian girls here on their working holiday were interested in sharing the 4 bedroom apartment with me and ashley. sweetness. so i made plans to organize a walk-through for today so they could confirm it was what they wanted as well. i called john (the landlord) and he told me the apartment had already been given to someone else. ashley and i had only seen it 2 days ago - friday evening. which meant that someone came in yesterday and put down the deposit. *sigh* back to square one. after all that ashley and i agreed that we would be open to just finding our own rooms at separate locations if that turns out to be easier than trying to find a 2-bedroom place. man, i am just tired of looking.

i ended up going to the bondi markets with ariana and 2 of her friends after checking out a room that wasnt what i was looking for. it was then i got a call from a guy whom i had been trying to contact for a room he had available. all was good untill i quickly figured out that this guy had completely no social skills and ended up yakking my ear off over non-necessities that had nothing to do with the actual apartment. plus, when i FINALLY managed to get the address from the guy, the actual apartment wasnt within walking distance to anything id want to do. not exactly calling "home sweet home" to me. so i declined the offer to live there.

after the bondi markets ariana and i ended up at a park in north bondi that overlooked the city skyline, opera house, harbor bridge and harbor. it was absolutely GORGEOUS and all i could think about was the fact that i had forgotten my camera. sucky. as we sat there in the grass gazing out over the harbor, we spotted an elderly man doing his exercise laps around the field we were on. dressed in a thick sweater, scarf, fingerless gloves and high-waisted brown tweed pants (complete with a crease in the back of the pant leg) he walked past us. we could hear the talk radio he was listening to be blasted from his headphones. his eyes were hidden in the shadows of his old-fashioned golfers hat. just after he past us we noticed he was carrying a wooden rod about 3 feet long. it looked like something one would for a very light-weight curtain.

it was then that it happened. the elderly man stopped, back to us. he lifted up his wooden rod and reached behind him so that it was vertical along his back. he started fiddling with it to the point where i thought he might actually be trying to shove the thing down the back of his pants. fortunately - he didnt. but he did stick it inbetween his belt and pants. his left hand then found the base of it and held it there as he spent the next almost 5 minutes using his right hand to attempt to grasp at the top of the rod (which was at about the height of his head). me and ariana sat there completely dumbfounded and laughing hysterically (he couldnt hear due to his blasting talk show coming from his headphones) as he strained to grasp at the top of the rod. he FINALLY got it and then started walking, right arm tightly gripped to the pole stuck in his pants and his left arm swinging freely. when he got to the end of the field, he switched arms and started back the other way. whether he did this for stretching purposes, strength exercises or maybe it was just another method to practice good posture, we couldn't tell. needless to say, it completely amused the both of us and left us in a fit of giggles.


october 12/09

what am i doing here? REALLY. i am so confused. i have these 2 jobs - one that i start in less than an hour and a half. the other doesnt know if they still want me only for weekends. i went into this whole job search wanting something fun, different and soemthing that would get me money to "survive" in sydney here for the next few months. i found that at ninos. so why am i all dressed in my "corporate attire" in order to go into a sales marketing position - something of which i dont like and am only there because it would be helping the charities and i have the potential to make a lot of money. but why? i dont even care about money and its not even like im working FOR the charity. THAT is something id much rather do.

so i sit here at my halfway point to my first day at work - not at the hostel and not in the city. instead i am at the mall by the train station waiting for the bank to open so i can transfer more money to my australian account. so i can live. so i can have the money to put down on a place to rent.

i think i have made up my mind. i do not need to be working in the sales marketing job. i cringe even with just the knowledge that i could be involved with such a position. regardless of the moeny potential. regardless if the position is even remotely involved with non-for-profit organizations. it is not for me. i would much rather wake up and walk to ninos in my flip-flops and go work at the juice bar on the beach.

****

so i quit the sales marketing thing. in a lot of ways it was actually one of the hardest things ive had to do. in a lot of ways it went against everything that i ever do when it comes to the working industry. i have always made the most "profitable" choice to advancing my "career." i have always chosen jobs that encourage me to push myself into another realm of what i am capable of. i continue to pick the jobs with the most potential for me to do anything i could imagine. but not this time. this time i said "no."

the worst part about doing that was that when i hung up the phone with the main secretary, i immediately got a call from Mark, my would-be boss, who gave me a speal about how he really saw a lot of potential in me and wanted me to be part of his team. he went on for so long about it that he actually brought me to tears as the tormenting confusion started to well up inside me. i hate disappointing someone. i hate walking away from an opportunity in which i had the potential to exceed where i am at already.

even still, i know i made the right choice. from the moment i hung up the phone after saying "no" for the thousandth time, relief flooded over me and the splitting headache i had had only moments before immediately disappeared. i felt good about my decision. i STILL feel good about my decision. sure, i could have had potential to do great things at the sales marketing job, but i have great potential to do awesome things at this juice bar as well. it may not ever take me to be on the path to making a 6-figure salary - but who cares when i am in australia to explore it, live it, be it? i dont need to be on this driven path to "success." i have ALREADY succeeded. i am living my dream and my dream was to come to australia (among other places), get a fun job (ninos) and live by the beach (bondi). i have done that. i am doing that. i will continue to do that.

so now i look forward to tomorrow where i will meet michael (my new boss) at ninos in the morning and sort out my hours/pay, etc. i am excited. it will be something new. something different. something i will be able to wake up and know i will enjoy. which leaves me with today. once i finish with the bank here i will have the day free to just breathe. and maybe, just maybe, i will even find a place to live.

****

well - i have had only partial luck on the home-search today. i found a couple places, one that turned out to be completely and utterly FABULOUS, but is about $30pw over my budget. bummer. then there was the other place. the place of which there certainly arent any words for as i never even got to actually see it. i just had the complete misfortune of picking up the phone to call the guy who was advertising the room. as a standard procedure in the house-hunting buisness, it is common for the person to want to know a little about the potential renter so they ask questions. i am used to that. stating who i am, where im from, why im here and how long i plan to stay, what i like to do, etc. not really brain science.

then theres this guy - mike is his name. he starts asking me what i am looking for in a roommate situation and explains that there would be me, him and another female living in the 3-bedroom apartment. he asks me if i am pretty openminded about other people and situations. i say that i am.... and then things get a little wierd.

he starts asking me if i am attractive. how tall i am. what i look like - curvy, athletic, etc. i skirt past the questions. he asks my sexual preference (which made sense at the time because earlier he had asked if i would be comfortable with the female being bisexual). and THEN he asks if ive ever been part of a living situation in which there are a certain amount of sexual exploration activities going on. those arent his exact words - but im sure you get the idea. i tell him no, but that i dont really care too much what other people are doing so long as it doesnt interfere with my living style or that they dont expect me to jump in whole-heartedly with who-knows-what theyd be doing. he seems to agree with that answer. i ask if i can see the place (i figured i might as well since i had gotten this far into the conversation). he said that we could set up a time in a few hours and asks how id feel about coming to his place for some wine and porn. RIGHT. i tell him i think thats pretty odd considering i have NEVER MET THE GUY. he hems and haws. i had thought he was half-joking up untill this point - just pushing buttons to see what id say. but then he tells me that its probably best that we dont meet up today as he is in a "naughty" mood. i ended the conversation.

after that i had to go down the beach and sink my feet in the sand, watch the waves and breathe in the fresh air - all the while attempting to erase the memories of the odd phone conversation. not exactly something that happens everyday... and will definitely make me hesitate next time someone asks me if im an "open-minded" person.... haha