home is where the heart is

that's what "they" all say. though i never know who "they" is - but i agree - home IS where the heart is. the only thing i have never figured out is where my heart is. most people who travel, travel with the intention of one day returning "home." i don't have that. it's a strange feeling. when i originally set out on my journey nearly 6 months ago, i went with the knowledge and understanding that i was leaving everything behind to go out into the world not to "find" myself, but to explore the world in what it is, what it can offer, what it can be... and maybe along the way i would fall in love with somewhere that i could call "home." that was my intention. and yet now that i am here... and have been here in sydney for the best part of 3 months, all i can think is that i wish that i had somewhere i could call home. like i said - it's a wierd feeling.

don't get me wrong though - i am not second-guessing my decision of what i am doing, where i am and where i wish to go and do the things i wish to do. it is simply that as it nears to this day we all (or most of us) celebrate as christmas, it forces one to reflect on where they are in life. it makes me think about those people that are important to me. everyone that i miss so terribly and are so far away. it makes me think of familiar comforts. things i love. things i know. the things i used to have and no longer do.

i don't have a house to call a home. i do not consider my flat i live in to be "home." it is just a temporary place to live before i continue my travels. but it is not "home" to me. it is not like when i go there at the end of my workday that i get the warm fuzzy feelings i had as a child when i knew we were rounding the corner to our house. the smells are not my smells. the furniture is not mine. barely anything in that flat is mine. i don't want that to change as i plan on moving on one day.... yet at the same time, it is wierd to think of celebrating such a family/friend holiday and feel so displaced in the world.

i don't know what this means. but i do know that one slow day this past week at work, i started flipping through the newspaper and came upon the travel section. now - i am accustomed to flipping through the travel section of the newspaper in canada where at this time of year there are countless advertisments for people to travel anywhere where the sun is hot and theres a beach to tan on. so what i saw in this newspaper that day caught me off guard. there - smack dab on the front page of that section with a picture almost taking up a full page was a a shot of the rocky mountains. it was a picture of the area by lake louise where some people were having a horse-drawn sleigh ride in the deep white snow.

my heart caught in my throat when i saw that picture and a whole vaste array of feelings welled up inside of me. to see the majestic mountains all snowcovered in their white coldness i thought THAT is what christmas should be like. to see the rockies towering over the people in the picture reminded me of my trek through BC. i could smell the trees. i could feel the crisp air on my cheeks. i immediately longed for a pair of winter boots. i felt as though i was looking at "home" and i missed it.

i showed it to my boss who has never been to canada and told him that was "home." i actually used the word - "home." i knew when i said it that i was referring to the rocky mountains themselves. i wasn't referring to calgary - where i am actually from, but before i could digest my own shock at hearing what i had just said, he asked me what i liked better... the majestic rocky moutains, or where i am now -- on a blissful beach paradise on the coastline of australia. i told him i didn't know. i still don't know.

at the end of my shift i had ripped out that picture of lake louise and another picture i found of an underwater shot of the great barrier reef. they are now in my bedroom and i don't know what i am going to do with them. i find myself constantly examining the pictures. i wonder what it means. do i really see the rocky mountains as my home? is that where i belong? i know for probably the last few weeks, anytime i see or hear of anything resembling the rocky mountains, i feel an ache in my heart... an ache that is screaming to me that that is where i should be. that that is what i want. that that is what i long to be a part of.

but then i look around me and i know that where i am now is also what i have always wanted. a year ago, had i heard or seen anything resembling where i am now - did i not get the same ache that that was where i am supposed to be? and now i here i am and i feel the opposite. so maybe it is true what they also say - that the grass is always greener on the other side. i just wish i could have it all.

i do not have an answer to myself of where i am supposed to end up. of where i WANT to end up. i simply do not know. i know there is so much more travelling that i plan on continuing with - but the average person, as i have said, travels with the intention of coming "home." there is a home base of which a person can come back to, reflect and plan for the next journey. but what happens when it is not like that? what happens when the very travelling a person is doing is to continue going? continue moving? continue travelling? how does a person decide where that "home" is?

it all comes down to where a person's heart is. i just haven't figured out where mine is.maybe it is with the rocky moutains. maybe it is with the beaches of australia. maybe it is in a place that i have yet to discover. maybe i never really find a true "home." maybe it is not about the land i live on, but the relationships i have along the way. maybe it's about the job. maybe it's about just where i end up... where i just unconciously stick out my life with no regard or consideration for where i am and whether i actually want to be there. or maybe it's all of the above. i do not know.

what i DO know is that christmas is coming, whether i feel at "home" or not. christmas is coming soon. i have to work, but i know that for right now i do love where i am at. i love the possibilities of where i will go to next. i love everyone that i miss back in canada and i love everyone that i have become close to in my short time here. i love that i am still continuing my journey - my dream - my life. maybe i won't ever figure out where my heart is - where it is meant to be. maybe i will. in the meantime i will just keep moving forward. keep exploring the grass i happen to be on in the moment and try to forget that on the other side of the fence. or i guess, in this case, the sand....