nothing to say

10/21/09 . i am trapped. i sit here on my top bunk wearing only a bathing suit and shirt and i am cold. the fan is going and a breeze is coming in from the window. and all i can do is wait. my french roommate has decided to invite 2 of her french guy friends into our tiny room. what is already a small space becomes claustrophobic when there are actually 4 people at one time "hanging out." especially when i am the outcast when it comes to the ability to speak the language as the others. none of them really speak english very well at all. other than being cold - all i can think is that my underwear is hanging everywhere drying as i just did my laundry. what a lovely impression to leave with a bunch of young men.

these boys have been in our room before - once to scoff at the thought that i was getting ready for bed "so early" (the french girl is regularly out all night only to arrive back in our room in the early hours of the morning to sleep). the second time was to scoff that i was "still" reading my book. i dont have any desire to have them comment on how id really like them to leave so i can put on some warmer clothes and start getting myself ready for bed. oh how i cant wait to move into my own room at the flat. my own space. my own bed. my own room. 12 more days to go untill i move. i can do it.

on another note, today appeared to be the day to break things. i broke my sunglasses at the beach (the 3rd pair since ive begun my journey from calgary in july) and then when i returned back to the hostel, i broke my spork while eating dinner. bummer. guess it balances out with the fact that i got a new swimsuit today. kind of.


10/22/09 . today was a day for the books. a day of cozing up in an overstuffed chair and burying my head in a novel. losing myself in the story, i sipped my vanilla latte at the nearest borders bookstore. time became a distant thought in the back of my mind as i was immersed in the adventures of frodo baggins and his friends.

i have never read "the lord of the rings" trilogy untill now. as of today i have finally and officially finished the first of the series (not counting "the hobbit," which isnt included in the famous 3, but its story preludes the trilogy). i have never been much for science fiction, but after watching the lord of the rings movies - i have been intrigued as to how the books compare. its hard to know if it would have been better to read the books first and i suppose i will never know. regardless, the adventurous quest the story tells captures a part of my soul and doesnt let go. it leaves me wanting more. it leaves me wishing that my life could be filled with such adventure, something to live fore - something to fight for. something to die for. maybe its a selfish thought to think, but should i ever write a book of my life - a memoir, if you will - would it be movie-worthy material? would it encapture the minds of my readers? woudl it inspire them to want more out of life? to be more than what they are? would a book of my life be an awe-inspiring page turner - something that is read over and over or would it be read once and then quickly forgotten? i spose i wont know untill i start to write...

i also read another book today, one called "in my skin" by kate hudson. its a memoir written about how kate fell into a heroin addiction and in order to feed that addiction she turned to prostitution for a source of money. its about how she hated her life. loved her life. wanted more. wanted less. about how some days she was ashamed of what she did - ashamed her family knew. about how other days she loved it so much she was proud to proclaim her newfound career choice. proud of her life. its about how she struggled, thrived and eventually beat her addiction and became who she had wanted to be all along. honest and raw, this book captured my attention and i simply couldnt put it down untill i was finished.

so many people scoff at the lifestyle and choices that people such as kate make (or made) and yet reading stories such as this reminds me that we are all the same. maybe we're not all addicted to heroin. maybe our drug of choice is chocolate. maybe its sleeping in. maybe its having control. maybe its alcohol. maybe its the great outdoors. not all of us are prostitutes, but at some point or another we will each compromise our childhood ideals for something else we never thought we'd do. that we never thought we'd become. that we never thought we'd choose. maybe it's for money. maybe fame. maybe acceptance. maybe it's just to survive. we all have our reasons. we all have our self-destructive downfalls. some of us are workaholics for the money. some to avoid dealing with failing relationships. some of us go out every weekend binge drinking in order to find love and acceptance. some of us work our butts off at the gym and then binge eat when we get home in order to satisfy an internal need for something that food never will. some of us continue to do the same routine because they "have to," they're "stuck," theres "no way out," - but the reality is that theyre afraid of change. afraid to be something more. afraid of the risk. each and every one of us is a heroin addict and prostitute on some level. we are all the same.


10/23/09 . another day at the beach complete only today it was not at brondi. anika (my hostel roomie) and i hopped on the bus this morning to get to circular quay - the bus/train/ferry hub of sydney. we then boarded the ferry to get to manly, a northern beach suburb of sydney. it was gorgeous. much like bondi with its cute shops and beach of golden sand - anika and i settled in. we spent the afternoon there soaking in the rays and then headed back in the early evening to our hostel... can't get much better than that.


10/24/09 . it is a grey day today and the clouds that cover the sky and sun also darken my heart. maybe it has to do with the fac tthat i took the day off from running. maybe its from a bad nights sleep or maybe its the weather alone that i feel this way. whatever the reason, the bottom line is that i feel stressed. and maybe all for nothing.

i got an email this morning from amex stating that they REALLY needed to discuss my account with them. its either something bad or just a ploy to get me to contact them all the way from australia. regardless - im not exactly looking forward to picking up that phone to dial the numbers. on top of that, i also got an email from my dad stating that my visa account notes a late payment and also shows i am near my limit. i knew i was nearing my limit simply because when my bank in canada so nicely froze my account i had no other choice but to use what little was left on my credit balance to hold me over. *sigh* and NOW, because i am STILL waiting on a new bank card in order to access everything online, i currently have no ability to really make sure my finances are running 100% smoothly. what a joy.

therefore - i am stressed. i KNOW theres not much i can do but wait, but still - its like a black cloud looming over me and i can do nothing but just sit there. annoying. frustrating.

as a result - the most i can think about is asking for more hours at work so that i can bring in some more moolah and create a bigger buffer zone. the other part of me wants to do a big "screw you" to the world, max out my credit cards in canada, declare bankruptcy and start over. but i know id never be happy with myself if i did that. *sigh*

sitting and waiting is hard for me to do when it comes to stressful situations. i do not like feeling stressed and so id much rather DO something abou tit to rid me of the gut-wrenching feeling. but right now i cant. i have to look past it and focus on what i CAN do - which for today that means slapping on some sunscreen and heading to work.


10/25/09 . in the land where swim lessons look like boot camp training - this has been a week of learning for me. smack dab in the middle of my workweek, the end of the weekend, the start of the next week for some calendars and the end of others - its sunday. a day of rest. a day of reflection. a day of nothing. and yet i work.

even still, as i sit here at bronte beach, waiting for my shift to start - i think back to this past week on all the experiences and life lessons i have endured. yesterday holds more significance in that regard than all the other days put together. sure - most of the day i spent working - most of it standing with my arms wet up to my elbows in soapy water as i washed all ninos dishware. again. and again. and again. but it started with the unfortunate email regarding my increasingly complicated financial situation. still not able to access my canadian bank account online. still not able to keep track of what payments i need to make to attempt in getting my name clear of debt. still not able to do a whole heck of a lot but stress over the fact that i cant do anything and because of that, the credit card companies arent to happy with me.

my day ended with me losing my camera (the one i bought in BC to replace the one of which i broke) only minutes before i had to meet ariana to go to a bbq party. tired as hell from work and lack of sleep from the night before - i was not a happy camper. and yet there wasnt much i could do but go out with ariana anyway and cross my fingers itd turn up later. it did - under the seat of the computer i had been sitting at right before i left for arianas.

and so what have i learned? i have learned that sometimes in life one really cant do anything but wait. it sucks. its frustrating. no control. nothing you can do but watch the time tick on. sometimes the waiting results in good - problems solved. sometimes it seems as though the hole thats been dug only gets deeper and deeper and yet all you can do is watch.

****

as per my last few conversations with people it seems as though everyone is wanting news on "how its going." what my job is like. how im liking australia and such. with all these questions i feel as though i am some how neglecting my soul of the awe and wonderment that australia surely deserves. it is as though i should awake every morning with a smile beaming on my face and a song on the tip of my tongue as i jump out of bed thrilled to take on yet another day in this beautiful country. and yet that is not the case.

now dont get me wrong - life as it has been for the past month has been filled with much awe and wonderment at where i am. i love it here and i wake up everyday knowing that i am here and that i CHOSE to be here. but i also have adjusted to life here quite a bit. i am passed the stage of naive excitement that comes with entering a foreign place for a period of time. my travels have become my life. i am living here - work, home, friends - it is all here.

as such - it is odd to be on this end of a stream of questions asking me of things i have already processed for myself and have become accustomed to. and yet, because of these questions - i am writing still as it is me who is here and many who read what i write never have been and may never will. and so - it strangely has become my duty to not only write of the adventures i have going from point A to B, exploring new things i have never experienced in my lifetime, but also to write of what "life" is like once i settle in and what was once odd, new and fresh now appears normal, old and almost boring.

so what IS life like here in australia? it is very much the same and different as it was back at home in canada. sometimes i forget i am even "here." sometimes i feel as though i have woken up on another planet.

take something as simple as crossing the road. back in canada it can almost be incredibly frustrating to be driving in a stop and go fashion in order to wait for every type of pedestrian to cross the road - whether or not they are in the crosswalk. here, however, one learns very quickly that though pedestrians might legally have the right of way - culturally they do not... whether or not a crosswalk is involved. the amount of times i have attempted to cross a street at the corner only to be met with a blaring horn of a car with a driver shaking their fist, scowling or yelling at me as they speed by within inches of giving me a flesh makeover - as though it was my fault i almost got run over. well - i try to forget such situations and instead focus on heightening my senses for any vehicle that may not care if it flattens me like a pancake. and thats not just my experience either. ive seen dogs, kids, moms with strollers, the elderly and every other human being have their life flash before their eyes as they come within breathing distance of being roadkill.

and then theres the job. sure, i may serve people, make juice and coffe, ring up orders and try to make people smile - but there have been glaring differences with this type of job as well. first off - tips are not a common curtesy of the customer. it is a rare thing when people tip. as a result, one generally notices that the level of service in the industry is lower because people such as myself can choose to work hard or not and still get the same pay at the end of the day. so when it comes to my job, customers are genuinely surprised when i do something as simple as ask if they would like salt and pepper for their meal or water for their dog.

theres also the language - which goes for work or just everyday life. people say "tomato" not "tomatoe." its "how ya going?" rather than "hows it going?" theres no such thing as "normal coffee" and everything is shortened to a nickname except when talking about gum to which a person calls it "chewing gum" as though all of a sudden thats the one thing in the world that cant be turned into a slang word.

so when people as about work - about life - its tough to know what to say. i want to say that its "fine" or "good" or that theres "nothing new" as i would when in canada, but the reality of the situation i suppose really is quite different. i have been living in australia for only a month now - a country on the other side and hemisphere of the world from my own country... surely i can come up with a better response to how my life here is than the standard.

all in all - life is beautiful here - but thats also becuse of where ive chosen to stay in bondi. to go to the city or CBD as its sometimes called - sydney is quite similar to every other concrete jungle. yet bondi is fairly unique in its own culture and one can never get tired of the view. that and i continue to learn so much about australian culture. about the people. the life.

australians balk at the idea that back at home id have to shovel snow from the sidewalk and that it can get lower than -30 degress during the winter months. they cant comprehend the idea that the most intimidating creatures in canada are that of the moose, bear and cougar while almost everything under the sun here can bite or sting a person to death. on the flipside, australians have a very similar culture to canada. they generally see themselves as new zealands "USA" and that they are the dominant older/bigger sibling of the 2 countries. that being said, their ideals of life and politics and everything inbetween aligns more similarly with canada.

people here drive on the left side of the road. they drink alcohol in public areas. they live for rugby and cricket and have trouble fathoming the thought that people outside of themselves have never learned to surf. australia is a country that doesnt take itself seriously - it has tv shows similar to "saturday night live" that poke fun at the very culture and people it lives for. they are aiming for a healthier country whether through health-friendly food choices, recycling programs or development of better transit systems to reduce car emissions. it is a culture that values family and a healthy upbringing of children. it values world involvement when it comes to disaster relief and peace keeping missions rather than war. australia is diverse. it is the same. it is different. small. big. hot. cold. wet. dry. dangerous. safe. populated. remote. old. new. it is what it is and i love it.

so to answer everyones questions - life is good. it is fine. there is nothing new or exciting. and yet it is all so much more than that and i love it.

****

yet again at borders - the local bookstore. i find myself completely lost in the world of written word. the smell of coffee lingers in the air as peoples voices murmur with conversation all around me. pages turn. fingers tap buttons on laptops contected to the wireless world. i read.

i read of adventures had. those ones only dream of having. i have come upon a book today, based from a recommendation from someone i met at a bbq party last night and i can hardly wait to read it. but i have yet to finish my current novel. this new one, however, boasts of raw truth and yet of how close it is to the truth i am not sure. it is called "shantaram" and its about gregory david roberts (also the author) who was sentenced to 19 years of prison and escapted, becoming a fugitive in bombay, india. it talks of how his life in establishing a free medical clinic for slum dwellers, working as a couterfeiter, smuggler, gunrunner and street soldier for the bombay mafia... and so much more. and if that alone wasnt enough to peak mine (or anyone elses) interest, the first page starts off with:

"it took me a long time and most of the world to learn what i know about love and fate and choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while i was chained to a wall and being tortured. i realised, somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody helplessness, i was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them. it doesn't sound like much, i know. but in the flinch and bit of the chain, when its all youve got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. and the choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life."

wow. what can a person even say to that? i can only begin to imagine what the rest of the book - the soul of the novel - could hold for my eyes to read. the man who recommended it to me and ariana last night spoke of how gripping a tale this book was. how it pulled him in and wouldnt let go. how it took him a year to read it not only because it is so long (about the size of 5 average novels), but because of the intensity of it. which makes me wonder - how much of it is based on truth? how does one even begin to discover such a story and will i ever be able to write such as that?

ever since i was young i have loved books. loved to read them. hold them. feel them. smell them. when i watched "beauty and the beast" for the first time, i immediately wanted a castle-sized library of my own. but more than that, i loved the idea of writing my own book. i still do. but untill i find the time, energy and just the right words for paper - i read what has already been published. picking out books such as "shantaram" fills me with a sense of excitement. intrigue. wonder. anything is possible in the world and i am inspired.

as such - even before i have begun to read it, i can feel it will be good - hell, hollywood is in the process of developing the book into a movie for 2011. so for those that are looking for the next book they cant put down - this one i definitely recommend.