the power of communication

this last week has been a blur of events that has left me almost completely at a loss for words. key word being: "almost." since my last blog entry - in how i admitted my apparent failure as a juice bar waitress/barista, i have talked with my boss. i had had 2 days off work to "think about things" and think - i did. i pursued other job options, both within sydney and elsewhere within australia. i researched options on what i could do for fun - such as do a roadtrip in a hippie caravan. i estimated the length of time i could stretch my current savings account. i pondered things. i filled myself with self-doubt on my abilities as an employee and then shook them off. time and time again. 2 very LONG days of this and when i came back to work i was not looking forward to the conversation i knew i had to have with my boss. it's just not something i wanted to wake up to do.

so i went to work - and kept my mouth shut. all day. i did my job and busted my butt to ensure that no further negative interaction would come from my boss. at the end of the day, when my boss told me he was going home for the day, i took a deep breath and dove into the conversation i had been avoiding all day long. i told him that i quite blatently did not wish to work at a place where i was not wanted. as such i had made the decision to finish out the next two weeks, provided he could treat me fairly as an employee and not cut me short by dropping my shifts unexpectantly. if he did not think that was possible, i told him i would be leaving immediately without notice. his response: surprised i was giving my notice.

i told him that after our conversation only a few days ago, i had left feeling incredibly confused and frustrated and was under the impression that he was firing me. he told me that this was not the case. apparently he viewed our previous conversation as a "feedback" session. right. i told him that it was by far the more interesting "feedback" sessions i have ever had with any of my bosses as i was without a doubt that he did not want me working for him anymore. we decided that i would, in fact, stay working and that i would take his comments under consideration and work on improving my working habits.

after all this, i find it very interesting how complicated communication can be. from one simple conversation, i walked away thinking that i was most definitely being fired, where as my boss had a different opinion. he just thought he was pulling me aside to tell me to work a little harder. had i not pursued the second conversation with him i would have never known that. i would have walked away from my job, not looking back, but always wondering what happened and questioning my abilities in the workplace.

so - i stay.

even still, it makes me think - what would life be like if we were all able to communicate effectively with each other? what would life be like if we weren't hiding behind our pride? behind our fear of what we don't want to know? what would life be like if didn't succum our opinions to judgement of others? judgement of things we probably know nothing about? what would life be like if we could effectively confront others with our concerns rather than talk behind each other's backs? what would life be like then? it makes me think...

maybe now that it is officially the "new year" our habits will slowly change. maybe we will finally grow up and mature into the people we always wanted to be. maybe now we will build on relationships rather than destroy them. maybe now we will actually achieve the goal of fulfilling our resolutions. maybe this year will be better than the last..... maybe i am the only one that thinks these things.

this new year's i managed the feat of working a full day's shift and then getting ready to head out with ariana. we ended up at one of her friend's flat of which was complete with a rooftop patio overlooking the harbor where esquisite fireworks danced throughout the night on the black canvas of a sky. it was beautiful. it was cold. it was fun. it was late. it was everything i wanted new year's to be. and as i watched an endless stream of fireworks come off the sydney harbor bridge and laughed with others as we took pictures, hugged each other and inacurately counted down to the new year (we didn't have the right time) - i thought about my resolution(s) for this year.

the classics came up. get fit... or at least fitter than i am. save money. figure out what i want to do with my life. continue living my dream. let go of my anger.

i settled on the last one. it's the one that will eat me alive in the end if i don't do something about it. from the depths of my soul, i realized this was it. THIS was the one i had to work on. THIS is the time to do it. THIS is the time to finally let go and let the past be the past. i am so tired of being angry at people who are no longer part of my life. so tired of holding onto resentment for things that happened so long ago.

but i must admit - i am afraid. even being on the other side of the world - i am afraid of what will happen should i not have that anger to protect me. because that's what i feel it does. it protects me from going back. it protects me from making the same mistakes. it protects me from feeling vulnerable to the people that have hurt me.

and yet... still... i know i have to let go. so maybe now is the time. maybe australia is the place for me to do that it. maybe this is it. i want to be free. i want to move on.



welcome to 2010.